10:14pm
Should moving back to their house be the right choice if they can promise they won’t start unnecessary shenanigans in the household?
I think I’ve live through the years and years of torment. Having to sit uncomfortably through long silent treatments between siblings, screeching sounds of disagreement between spouses, a grandmother who don’t see eye to eye with the mother, a verbally Abusive father and a mother who belittles every single conversation, and pretty much doesn’t know how to calm the fuck down or be tactful in her words. Just today, going back for Christmas dinner, I had that “privilege” to witness the verbal abusive language dad used towards mom, all because of mom’s tactless words that ignited the rage in him.
It is still relatively unfair when I witnessed these petty tiffs between the two more than my Brother, who is always out and about. Definitely missed the Oscar winning performance. And I guess it’s pretty fair now that I’ve sorted this deranged part of my life, that is, packing all my shit and leave this household. Roles Reversed and he gets to witness the great downfall in the Hong family.
And it’s pretty apparent now that I practice mindfulness. Uncomfortably realising so many aspects about myself while attempting to silence my mind. Sometimes to no avail, a million neurons fire endlessly into the abyss, leaving no space for breathers. It is no shame to admit that I still get overwhelmed by sound and people. Despite doing my utmost best to stay clear from toxicity and attention seekers only to be deemed as the stone cold bitch just because I am looking to contain my peace by detaching myself from them.
Since living alone, I’ve learnt to be unafraid. Started cleaning the toilet and perceiving ways to cultivate a “home” in my room. As long as my domicile is neat and clean, I’m contented and hopeful with an open heart that things will eventually work it’s way out, notwithstanding the fact that I now have to face my finances and making choices daily that regard as the right decision that my parents wouldn’t know how to make.
Mom still gives her two piece advice up till now. She thinks she’s making sound judgement when it is outdated and simply scorning remarks of pure jealousy. Earlier today, I shared about how my week went and going out with friends to celebrate Christmas occasion is pretty much a collectively normal thing to do. While I secretly prayed for a simple nod of approval or smile, all I received was criticism and disapproval yaps of “how much I am spending and wasting money away”. She then shakes it off by recalling how she spent Saturday night with my brother, just two of them hanging out at Orchard Road.
Fascinating enough, I am accepting of the fact that whatever I do or say it going to be backed by the many criticism and chide. I am truly amazed at how I am able to sit through 2 hours of her self-absorbed narcissistic comments. Tomorrow is Monday, I just found out that my mom and brother are going to Batam together. However upset feeling I harboured, I bid them adieu and goodbye.
In the next phase of my life, I reckon that it will be difficult navigating without the proper guidance from parents. After all they’re a stem in the root that holds the family together, I accept wholeheartedly that I will never see them the same as before, the things and old ways I was taught when living under their roof, finally stripped clean and pure. We are all different people now.
No more complaints. No more seeking questions about the sufferings and unfairness I’ve experienced. The best feeling of all - no more crying tears of sorrow.
Every visit home for dinner proves time and time again that I made the right decision of moving out. However alone I may seem, peace and mental stability is all I care about at this point in time.
And the next event where I am brushed by superficiality or unnecessary comments that I should just move back home shall not be threaded lightly if I need to explain my circumstances to adhere to courtesy standards.
Normalise congratulating people when they leave a job due to toxic environment, or leaving an abusive relationship/friendship or moving out of their parents house.
Lest I need it. And I’ll accept that comprehension with gratitude. In this day and age, the global rise in societal appreciation is advancing at a steady pace. Might take another decade or two to ascent and adjust to the new age mentality, but I’m foreseeable that we’ll get to the day where humanity decides to move forward. Education is made available to everyone at a subsidiary cost and women all over the world are freed from the misogynistic system. May we remove the egoistic part of our soul with ease and treat others with fair tolerance and judgement. If we remove manipulation in our urban dictionary, we shall finally be able to discern that homosapiens are all born equal and greed will just be man’s greatest downfall in return.
In a world where two roles reversed - the extremely rich vs the filthy poor, shall the rich start begging in the streets whilst the poor assists to community needs? Or it will just be another role of retraction, leading back to square one.
