12:22
It is the weeknds. I feel it coming, often. Save your tears in the night, till you bleed out in blinding lights. Shit, I gotta stop imparting nonsensical lyrics.
I feel... terribly slow in motion, perhaps lost in translation (not the movie adaptation), or might it be the Taurus season? Figuratively speaking, striving to keep up with society instead of battling aliens in my head (Haha jokes). I heard my friends screaming my name at a proximate distance yet I can't pinpoint what the fuck they want in this instance. A union maybe, good for me.
Allow me as I officially withdraw from reality one more time while attempting to write with much clarity. It's beyond exasperating when you can't write in correlation as your self-sabotaging brain speaks in fluent gibberish. Despite my eloquently spoken brain cells reducing in numbers due to drug constraints and much alcohol influences, I might have just become a good insane person. *wipes tears with bible pages.
Work has been a struggle when my boss has a weird sense of anger issues with added humour - simply put, imagine evaporation. Smarter ones could sense a sizzling kind of hiss noise coming from his mouth. While the not so educated ones would unambiguously... march into a room filled with toxic fumes and piping hot vaporizer. I ought to salute their courage of not running away from such a monstrosity as it seems as though they have mastered the art of a monastic. Nonetheless, I am still deeply grateful for the fact that he doesn't scream into my ears although my hefty heart felt his deep penetrating presence when he stood beside my table.Wait...no... Our tea sessions might have saved me from being yelled at for messing up albeit my creation of standard protocol of being a self-proclaimed perfectionist. I know he's a good god.
He had a fist fight with his co-worker this week, though their loud decibel had a certain influence on colleagues weeping while others dashing out of the office for some chill air. I can't help but stare blankly at the commotion. Inaudibly as I looked, I seemed... Elated. Which recurringly brings about the ponderous opinion of "Jennifer is Fucking creeping and weird" amongst them. It however feels like. In my defense. An electronic jab into my siberian heart, pumped with endorphins. Revival. I'm clueless, I want to cry but I can't seem to shed a tear.
I absolutely hate that I am able to apprehend when things don't go in my way, they went sideways. Taking things with a grain of salt, every obstacle faced are proven to be mistakes and lessons looping in circular motions. While every lesson feels like the Universe has been constantly putting me up for the test till I aced it with flying colors. I did a heavy comparison between my current and previous workplace during my serendipitous sessions, realizing a lot of things, I literally brought a piece of old baggage from my previous company. Fucking misophonia issues again. I remembered how I was once terribly triggered by the sound of keyboard typing noises and stapling to the point of breaking down, and yet, it is happening again. Might it be appalling to certain people in this world? Or I am one with rare oddity. I don't know, I gotta seek in this odyssey.
This year is been... An emotional high ball roller. When what everyone does is ask "Where's Jenn?" but nobody ponders "How's Jenn?". I'm deadly dead, please don't conjure me back again.
It is sad and dehumanizing to implicitly discern humanity crumbling at such a devasting low level that is beyond words to even describe. And to think that everyone is pure and golden at heart while my judgment has failed me all this time. How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child abound. First fucking rule of ascension - everything changes rapidly to the point where it dreads to adapt. It hurts to dismantle the truth that we are just a fucking predominantly coward at heart.
Homosapiens are a glitch in the system. Stuck in the matrix where every social influences wired our brains differently. Fucking Music hinders our ability to process normal emotions but it is addicting per se when electronic vibrations speak with dense words. So we run, we hide, we cast ourselves away from the deep burdens and troubles so much so that in this current generation, music is the only coping escapism, while news publications is merely just excrements of burning time and sick experiment created for lab rats like us humans. Cough* Covid* cough* I'm just joking. COUGHS. Why don't people just understand? Oh, wait I get it. Movies are just a mere form of endorphins targeted to make you believe in the unattainable. Therefore, achieving the perfect bell curve that our government craves for.
The saddest part of ascending is realizing how isolated it can be, where everyone's vibration doesn't match with yours. Even an ardent gaze has proven time and time again - desires. And yearning for a soulful connection proves to be harder than it seemed. Years ago, when I didn't know too much about life, imagining how wonderful and vivid life would be if humans are conquered by love, not glory, sincerity not fear. As the metaphor "till it happens to you, you don't know how it feels" heavily applies, desolation prevails when people are self-driven by fame and novelty, leaving a sick fake fuckening legacy for our future generation to commit the same mistakes as that of our ancestors.
Considering that I have lived my life with severity of ups and downs. Where experiencing unbearably lows were considered as a blessing in disguise while them substantial ups are impenetrable to acknowledge and comprehend for the human minds. Perhaps it is for the greater good. In spite of my being entwining and clasping deeply on the notion that "whatever happens, is for the greater good. We are one with you." And I still believe deep down to my soul that I am made to ascend for a higher purpose deemed worthy. Call it a secret club or society. These secrets that I bear is too much to keep. I just believe that one day, I will be heavily understood and found.
In my head big circus circus. Makes chaotic music, in a comforting manner.
