12:03am

Well, well. Things have changed over the years and I've sort of grown to become a more responsible individual... I think? The old version of me, as you scurried through my former posts, wondering if this woman ever forgives and progress. Truth is, I did. Despite the countless attempts in pulling myself back on track. Lest on the cutting, but more of the crying. My tears migrate as easy as to Paraguay. I mean, it was more resilient towards my command during the first half latter of the year. Subsequently, it succeeded involuntarily.

Anyhoo.

The upcoming days prove to be more challenging as my seemingly weakened body is testing my every patience. From head to toe. Yesterday was way worst, I literally urinated a pool of blood as I scrambled out of bed at 2 in the morning for my usual pee routine. Funny thinking that I thought I had a miscarriage since the scene is similar to that of a drama show, whereby piles of blood means the wife had lost her child.

Now I couldn't recall if it hurt as bad as before, so I called mom in to inspect the ceaseless fountain. Haha. We both stood and stared at one another for a solid minute before bursting into tears of laughter as the two dumb and dumber to have absolutely no idea with regards to the common procedure. That is either to call an ambulance or wait till the convolution ends. Well, the first option was straight up out of the question so we decided to perform the second one; laughing aimlessly at how both our lives have gone downhill so much so that inflicted pain doesn't bother us anymore. We are basically, or shall I say, I am basically immune to pain.

Speaking of which: "Pain" by Boy Harsher is my no. 1 go-to song nowadays, packed with a sinister and intriguing tone/tune. Yea, I love pain...

Moving on.

Nobody heals me, so I have to learn how to heal myself. Thus, I deserve this...long and gratifying rest. Self birthday treat to Cambodia! That is if airline tickets are not being a bitch and is willing to release those tickets at a much cheaper rate.

Now it didn't take me long enough to decide on a destination since the prices reflected on Jetstar and Scoot remain stagnant over the days of my research. Of course, mom gave the disappointing and disapproving look as usual. But deep down, I'm pretty assertive that she knew how mentally drained I've become over the months; with night school and work (cleaning up someone's shit both figuratively and literally). We had a tiff awhile ago which involves me crumbling to the floor, crying and begging her to stop leaving food crumbs on my bed. I mean, during tension moments like this, crying is so much better than imagining myself pouring hot melted oil onto her face. Least this was a more merciful way to end the argument/day.

Love is the basis of human life as it is evident in most Bible. If you love endlessly, then love will start loving you. And that is the most beautiful thing I've ever read today.