Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Always trust anyone that you meet at the local MVA who dons faux hazel eyes. They don’t care if anyone knows their eyes are fake. They have nothing to hide.
Aquarius
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January 20 – February 18
Someone with a lot of teeth and polyester will change your lunch break forever.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Don’t buy a goldfish. Or have pets. Or babysit your neighbor’s children. You can barely keep a rock garden alive.
Aries
March 21 – April 19
The best place you’ll ever find yourself in life is second in line at the liquor store. Your standards are measured by the size of a brown paper bag.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You don’t need a very long spoon to dine with the devil.
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The next time you miss your aim inside a port-a-potty will be the next time the world may actually come to an end.
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Lure the wolf with a hen.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Remember; “Your abs are made in the kitchen.”
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you can live through humiliating yourself in front of Chinese people, you can live through anything.
Libra
September 23 – October 22
If you ever get upset, just pee into a random person’s Range Rover. It’ll make you feel better in no time.
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You have two right decisions to make and both of them will be wrong.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You know more of what you don’t want than that of what you do. Beware. That may be your undoing.
Story of the week: BANK ROBBER CAUGHT AFTER STOPPING FOR CHICKEN AND BISCUITS 2 BLOCKS FROM HEIST
Moral of the story: Don’t stop for chicken after robbing a bank.
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