Frankly speaking, sometimes I felt unsatisfied with my life, with what all I`ve got. When I see someone else have something that I don`t, I envy much. I`m lacking of gratefulness. For instance, when I see my friend is getting along well with her mom, and looking at their mom pay real attention to them, showing love and care, can be a best companion for them, can be like a friend, a place for them to tell their stories at school or work or in life and from whom they seek advice, I can`t help but comparing myself with my mom, with my Family. Because we just don`t get that kind of relationship at home. I don`t ever feel comfortable telling stories or what I feel with my family. (I do share if it’s just a general story, or something funny happened in the day, but if it’s connected with my private life, I just don`t....)
Therefore, I don`t think I have a strong relationship between my family, especially with my mom. I never felt like I`m close with my mom. There is always some distance, border between us. Lack of communication maybe, but it can`t be helped, though, since my mom is having some kind of problem which I couldn`t tell ya exactly. Mom never ask how I feel, never ask simple questions about how was my school, how is work, how is life, how do you feel, and she even forget my birthday. I don`t interact much with mom. She rarely (almost never) cook for us, or waking us up back at my school days or whatever that you think a mom should do. But fortunately, me and my brothers and sister get by since we have maids who take care of it all. So I don`t interact much with mom. And that makes me share my stories to my maid instead. (my maid has been working for my family ever since I was a child, so she is like my family.)
I should understand. I should accept mom’s condition and let go. But, I want to be loved. I want real mom`s figure like the others when your mom could be your best friend and your partner in crime. Even on the moment before I go to Japan for long-term studying; (read here) mom almost never ask me how I feel or showing some attention to me. Maybe she’s ignorant, or indifferent about me, her children, I dunno. And so, it always makes me wonder if mom loves me or not. Because she never really shown it and she (maybe) doesn`t know anything about me, or my life, because I assumed that she never care.
*And that`s one of the reason why I secretly think to myself that I don`t want to have any children even if I get married (apart from the terrifying pregnancy process that women have to endure that I really scare about). Because I think I wouldn`t make a good mother. I`m not that caring and loving, sometimes I prefer to be alone, undisturbed and egoistic. I can`t really cook and I don`t really like kids and while other girls may think babies and kids are cute, me, think they are a bit annoying. Ha-ha. (Well, there are cute babies and kids for me, also but this is most of all). And I think rather than having children due to a must or force from society or parents, (that women aren`t perfect if she doesn`t or couldn`t give birth which is a really common stereotype for women, especially in my country, Indonesia) and then we couldn`t take care of our children properly and not giving them attention they need, and then they grow up badly... (cause parents and family influences our personality most), it`s better if we don`t have one from the start. JIt`s my opinion only and I don`t know maybe I could change my opinion in the near future. But this is my thought for now. (Or it could be better if we could just adopt child. There are many abandoned children in the whole world. So many irresponsible parents. That’s the fact. Rather than adding one, we could contribute more to society and to the world also by adopting them instead.)*
And as I`m writing this, I felt so so lucky to have an especially kind and loving dad, If it weren’t for him, maybe I would grown up differently than I am now.
For the rest of my family, I feel like I`m most close with my dad and my sister. I am proud of my father and respect him so much! He’s like the best dad I could’ve ever asked. He’s so patient and all, but I just can’t get myself to be too open with him, dunno why. There is always a little block between us. But one thing sure, I never want to make him disappointed, ever. And I secretly wishes I could get a husband like my father, if I ever get married later. And my sister, I am getting closer to her these days and I did share my private life to her also (but not all, I just can`t). Maybe because sometimes I always considered her a childish, spoiled kid? Haha. (I’m sorry sis but I know your care to me and sorry for my ignorant personality to you sometimes L). Btw, she’s only four-years apart from me, and she’s in the last year of senior high school now and I have two other brothers with me as the oldest. Yeah, we are four siblings in case you don`t know.
So, that`s a little backstory about me and my family J
And there is a reason why am I being persistent in writing and finishing this whole personal stories that I rarely did in this blog as I`m still trying to settle down and adapt myself in Japan in my small dormitory room at Osaka, alone, at night. I just want to share how do I feel right now and to give thanks and express my feelings of gratitude towards someone J
My life isn`t perfect and there were many, many, many times when I wish I was somebody else, when I wish I was born more beautiful, more rich, more popular, got many many friends, got loving family, got more freedom to be able to do anything I want and bravery to talk what I want to talk without holding back and all. Well, I guess it can`t be helped that people just never feel satisfied with what they have, haha. And yeah, I always compared myself to others, I always want what others have that I don`t have and not realizing that others may not have something that I have to. J
Well, it is life. Coz life is never fair J
Even with all the hardships in life, all of my weaknesses, I felt so blessed and lucky now to have many best friends! Not just “friend”, but best friends. True best friends that will forever be your friend. It is real hard to find a true best friend.
Because the sad and unavoidable thing in life about friendship is this: Sometimes you could just click with someone and they may become your best friend at that moment. Everything’s good, everything’s fine. You couldn’t go days without talking and telling stories to them. Until you two separate. Maybe got to different school, different college, different work, etc. And as they find new friends in their new place, and so do you, you would graudally become lost contact with your old friends. It happens naturally and subconsciously. And when you finally meet again with them after a long time, you feel that there is something different. You couldn`t talk with them as much or as blunt as it used to. What topics to bring? Confusion. The conversations get dry, it becomes awkward and all, and that’s when you realized that they become just friend or stranger once again. Yup, friendship, too needs to be maintained. J
But real best friends will stay forever in your up and down in life. And with all that just happened, I realized who are my best friends. J
I got this quote from somewhere I forgot :
“I love those type of friendships that don`t require a lot of effort. We may not see each other as much as we want to or talk as much as we used to. But it doesn`t change the fact that we’re friends no matter what. They can do their own thing and I can do my own thing. What’s important is that whenever we do see each other again, we can pick up right from where we left off without making it awkward. Any friendship that works out like that is a friendship worth having.”
If you could do that, you may describe them as your best friends J
Because, as we grow up ....
And see the definition of best friend (at least for me), read this
*Btw, that was the post I wrote about 1 year ago when I promised I would make some blog posts for my best friends. Sorry for delaying for so long, if you are my best friend, you must know that I`m extremely lazy, right? LOL. I got the idea what I want to write about but I just couldn`t get a chance to write it here or just lazying around in writing (besides, it requires much thought to make it into english one hoho). For whoever out there feeling my best friends. just wait, I will definitely make it out later :P *A promise!*
Enough with all the chatter and all. I want to get to the main topic right now why I am writing this post and why it started with the entire story about my family first.
So, days before I left Indonesia as I went off to Japan to study, many people wish me luck and there are some separating gifts I got from different friends, that I felt so thankful about in receiving it. Each and every one of it is so thoughtful and make me realized how blessed am I. To not having a good interaction with my family, but I have so many caring friends instead. (At least, that’s what I thought about.)
Not only physical gifts, but I also got many emotional supports, many advices, many meet up, appreciate their time and initiative to spent time with me before I go, and many real help as well, especially in my baggage packing process, LOL. Well, I`m not too practical person a.k.a rempong in Indonesian LOL. I`m having a REAL hard time choosing up what to bring and not to bring. Turns out I have many many clothes in my wardrobe (even many of them I rarely see, or never wear at all). I just don`t know which one to eliminate and what are the other more important things to bring. So there is this one friend who even stay at my place for two consecutive nights with her mother, (I`m very very close with her family, she and her family is just like my second family as I always considered as her little sister and) and helping me with all she could with the luggage until 4 AM on the day of my flight to Japan. Luckily, I got 7-PM-flight. Huff. And the day after is her birthday and I`m not there anymore :( Wishing her a happiest birthday from a far. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT! THANKYOU! *will post about the detail of this story in different post.*
I thought that friends appreciated me better than my own family. Maybe other than my dad and my sister, I didn`t feel like the others care about me very much. As I was preparing for my movement to Japan sometimes I wondered if they would feel lonely without me because I always be pessimistic that they wouldn`t even care if I`m there or not. Like, it wouldn`t make a big diffence for them. And thinking about it always makes me sad. So in order not to be sad, I chose not to dwell on it and didn`t really interact much with my family because well, I thought they wouldn`t appreciate me, either.
And turns out I was wrong.
BIG THANKS. MILLION THANKS FOR ONE OF MY BEST FRIEND, STEFANNY HANDOYO AND YOUR FAMILY. (Fanny’s mom and dad, and Fanny’s brother and sister, steven and selvy). THANKS FOR PANPIPEN PRODUCTION :P I love you 3S’ siblings!
I really. Really. Appreciate all the efforts you made into making my separating gifts soooo special. It must have required a lot of efforts and a lot of time to make it like that. It was so creative and authentic, and original. It was a movie in a CD given to me just before my flight. And you told me to watch it as sudden as I arrived in Japan. Sorry I lied to you when you asked me whether I already wacthed it or not. Sorry for pretending not to care about the video and makes you sad :P, as I`m finishing this, hehe. Actually, I already watched it back on the day when I first arrived in Japan, at night after I finished unpack all my things and put my room into a good use. And I decided to write this passage down to tell you how thankful and grateful I am to you. Sorry for making it long because I need time to finish all this (as it’s written in english for my blog) as a token of my appreciation to you. Because after watching that movie you made, I really broke into tears. Thanks for that. Fell for that. Huh.
On the first part of the movie, It shows our memories together. From all the journey we made, all the moments and holidays together with you and your family. I`m surprised you could still save and remember exactly every single moments of us. Looking at it, I reminisced and cheer every moments together with you and your family. You, along with your brother, sister, mom and dad are like my third, (if not third, second) family! Hihi. I am grateful that I met you in the temple, (vihara vajra svara dharma, MOI). Thanks for greeting me first back then, and sorry if I may look shy, arrogant or cold at our first meet, (your first impression for me), LOL! It’s not that I`m like that, it’s just, I`m never good at talking much with strangers. Different case when we’re already friends. After being friends with me for probably 2-3 years, still got that first impression? :P
And turns out you are also Untarian, only different class and different major. I am 2010’s accounting student and you’re 2012’s architecture student. Luckily, since you are only one-year-apart with me (sadly, I`m older L, but fear not, we are the same shio, chicken!), our conversation still connected and I become close to you and your mom, dad, bro, sis, even got introduced with your whole family also. (like your grandma, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc.).
Thanks for teaching me all the rituals, prayer, etc and encouraged me for not being lazy to pray and come to the temple, thanks for including me in temple’s activities. and making me closer with other friends in the temple. Sorry if sometimes I couldn`t be much help. Hehe. Thanks for hearing my stories, for giving advice, for helping me when I got troubles (remember CK Case! Will never forget that for my whole life :P), for being hang-out friends, for accompanying me eating pecel lele, etc, for our holiday together in Singapore even though you were still busy with your architecture task, etc. Thanks to mommy, daddy, epen and epi, too. Thanks for teaching me to ride bycycle (even just a one-time practice, and I still can`t ride bycyle even now :P, yeah it`s my fault, hahaa..), Thanks for treating me food when I go together with your family. Thanks for bringing me food when you got to my home (you shouldn`t, actually) Thanks, mommy, for the hair straightener, the belt and the beautiful letter.
And for the second part of the movie, I`m real touched and surprised to see my whole family there!! From my dad, mom, my first brother, my sister, my second brother, even my maids, my driver and my grandpa until your own family, your brother, your sister, your mom and dad and finally you, giving me words of separation.
It’s no exaggeration.
It really drove me to tears. Especially when I heard words from my own family. :’)
Who wouldn`t cry a river when you heard words from your own family, when you know you are not feeling close with your family, and they never say it directly or shown it to you, in the moment of your separation with them, that you wouldn`t imagine you would hear?
Turned out I got wrong all this time. THANKS. You captured and recorded all those seemingly honest words from them that I wouldn`t have gotten to hear directly from them, ever and would make me still trapped in this cold relationship and misunderstanding with my family forever if it had not been thanks to you and your effort into making the video.
For dad, THANKS! Thanks for letting me do what I want. I know you love me. Sorry for not (yet) being able to make you proud. I`ll never disappoint you, dad. Don`t you worry, I will work hard here and prove that I could be successful later. Thanks for all your support, care and all.
FOR MOM! So she loved me after all............... JSorry for doubting you, mom. Sorry for not to care to you, and not understand your feelings. I promise I`ll make up to you soon. Hope we could get our relationship better when I got back to Indonesia. HIKS!
For all my brothers and sister, thanks for the kind words. I love you. Sorry for not being a good, reliable and dependable big sister all this time. But you should know that I`m already trying so hard to be one. Be nice there, study dilligently, don`t forget to take care of mom and dad, and be mature soon. Waiting for you all to come here and I will study hard so I could be your tour guide here :P
For the others, my maids, mba yati and mba sur, and also my driver, pak win. Thankyou so much for your help and care all this time. I really mean it. I realized I`m so spoiled haha! Thanks for working with my family for a super long time. For listening to my stories and giving me advice. For doing all the chores, cooking, and driving me off wherever and whenever I want without complaining. I would have never survived a day at home without all your help *lebay sih :P (the house would be in a REAL MESS). I considered you all as my own family. Pray for me to be able to live independently here. To be able to cook myself, clean up room and go wherever I want with my own two feets.
Thanks for all the kind words, Fanny and family. For fanny, epi, epen, mommy, and daddy. Know that I considered you as a part of my other family. JI will definitely survive here. Waiting for you all to come here and I`d be happy to be your tour guide :P
THANKS ONCE AGAIN, FAN! Many many thanks wouldn`t be enough. If it hadn`t been for you, I would have never, ever known their true feelings towards me and I would always felt some distance within my own family. Because all along, I don`t really feel comfortable inward. So now you know why I`m so thankful and how important it is for me. I could make that movie as a reminder to make me keep strong and motivate me when I`m down later, to cheer me up and to remind me to work hard for my family back there.
I am not a lucky person, I still have many weaknesses and all. But I`m blessed with many best friends who are still willing to stay with me despite all my flaws and imperfection. And still a complete family consists of a dad, mom, brothers and sister. While other families may not. Realize I need to take care of my family more before it’s too late and regret become useless. I still can eat, study and live properly, while others may not. I should be thankful and grateful, really. No need to be ungrateful.
Okay so, this is the end of the post.
I owe you one, Fan! This post is specially dedicated to you. I know making that kind of video must have been required a lot of time! And efforts, and energy. But you still make it for me with the help of your brothers and sister (Panpipen production, LOL) and support from your mom and dad, and my whole family also. Thanks! I know I`m not that creative, I can`t make a video as good as that, and then I remembered what I feel I`m good at. I`m good at writing stories, long stories. So I made this. Maybe not to be compared with videos, because it’s just a simple passage just to let you know how touched I am.
Thanks for being my best friend, Fan. Hope we could still be best friends forever and ever. Wishing you good luck in your architecture study. Hope you can find what you’re really want for. Graduate soon!
July 6, 2015,
almost 2 AM (Japan time)
(I`m already sleepy now)
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