Disclaimer: This was originally written in late June, but life took over, and I’m in a much better space 😊
I am going to be completely transparent here, so bare with me. Yesterday was finally the day, to let go of the past and truly focus on the future and what it has to bring me. A Situation in my life finally revealed itself and caused a major shift. I can now make a very clean break from it, knowing that there was nothing that I could have done personally to make the outcome different. With that being said, it’s still a very fresh wound, despite it being years in the working. I have learned to let go of what I thought my life would be, and embrace the possibilities of what it could actual turn out .
When you are finally able to see a situation, for what it truly is and know there is nothing else left to do it, it’s over. Did I ever think that I would be in this type of situation? No I didn’t, but I knew in the back of my mind this would be the outcome. It really is sad when you can’t see a side of someone, other than what your perception is. No one is perfect in this world including me, the naysayers in life though is what fuels me to be better. To know me for years, including the last nine, is probably one of the biggest transformation. It was realizing that I need to start living for myself and not everyone else in my life. I will never make all the people in my life happy and honestly it’s not my job either. The situation that I am referring to above has been headed on a collision course for years, this event finally made it a reality. Walking away from this and the melancoly memories it brings to me, I also have regrets. The regrets that I have include being gaslighted by individuals, I never fully trusted. Always trust your gut instincts with people, the first impression is the true them.
No longer will I take on a persona, or walk on eggshells to make others happy, in a “perfect world”, which has been portrayed since day one. I now hold my head high and am free to be me, myself and I. Now allowing myself to feel the emotions and mourn what has happened, allows me to heal from the inside out. It’s a process, and while I haven’t talked to a professional, I am willing to keep that on the table for the future. Right now I am allowing myself to not internalize this, to do the work and find my purpose. While I am not always sure what that is, I feel like I am on the right path to getting to the direction my life was meant to be. Whether it’s changing careers after x aamount of years, ending a relationship or taking a leap of faith on yourself, I am truly living for me. This includes an abundance of self care and Love, which is what had been missing from my routine in life for so long. Sitting in a body that you have hated for years, isn’t exactly the American Dream, I had to figure out what was wrong and how to stop the feelings of dread.
Coming alive after so long and knowing, the common denominator wasn’t always you. Sometimes yes we have to take a long look at ourselves, but let me tell you it’s always going to be three sided. I’ve spent years staying silent and while I still protect some people, the actions speak for themselves. If you don’t care about the safety of someone you never really cared about or accepted, there is something really wrong with you as a human being. I wouldn’t wish that day on my worst enemy, the heat and the pain that I suffered from days later, will never be forgotten. I no longer can hold space for such negative individuals. The narrative that they will spin long after this is posted, well I am not the final judge and jury, so I leave it til then for consequences. Just let it be known, I’m not a vengeful person because I could have been just as petty and posted what happened on social media. Instead I choose to share it in my safe space, and educate others on what not to tolerate in their own lives.
The point here is don’t ever play small so that others are thriving. I learned that through nasty comments and interactions, that I needed to rise above it and be the woman my mother raised. I’ve gone down in flames a lot in my life and most of that was Teaching Moments. Learning to sit with my own shit, and understanding who I am, has been a lifelong battle. Like my weight my opinion of myself has fluctuated, but now it’s at a complete level. Almost 2 years later I’m happy, and found love in more ways than one. Love will always be something that while important, doesn’t define my whole existence. As I mentioned in my article “Beyond The Afterglow”, the realities surrounding relationships is pretty complex and sometimes messy. I’ve been in love three times in my life. With my private life intact, I get to have an amazing bond with the person I consider to be the other half of me. Long have I stopped having to explain my life and the way I handle it to anyone, it’s what makes Taaureane happy at this point, nothing more or less.
That’s not to say that in the future that I won’t have missteps, but I know how to react to them better. Redirect, rather than reaction, I tell myself. One thing that I’ve learned is that you can’t force life to be the way that you want it to be. There is no such thing as everything fitting into a neat package with a bow, sometimes you have to face the facts and that isn’t easy. The guilt that I’ve carried around and not being able to be the true me at times, is something I had to unlearn. In a perfect world, I could share the things that go on in my world, but that’s not the case here. It’s not the withdrawing into myself but more of a protection mechanism. Every day even the smallest mistakes and accountability I must take, are teaching moments. We fall, fail and we pick ourselves back up again, brush it off and attempt it again. One day it will finally click, the things that have been holding you back, including yourself.
I am thankful for the experiences of these past 2 years, it really put things in perspective for me. It also help me to find who I had been losing for so long: myself. Continuing on the course of new instead of old, I am building a life that is truly my own and that I can be proud of. Every person I have encountered, in their own way, have brought joy, pain, etc and that has shaped the new version of Taaureane. To be able to stand on my own feet, take a breathe in and know how hard I worked to get here, I’m forever proud of myself. I truly hope through my own stories and experiences, that I’ve made an impact on your life, because you my audience have made a lifelong on mine.