I am a recovering perfectionist, in the past I would have been bothered by my mistakes. Now, I have Learned to embrace them and use them as learning tools. I am still in training at work, and while that alone can be daunting, I have learned the instinct that I have internally is something I should listen to more. I tend to get nervous at times, especially if I second guess myself. For instance, typing which I do well since I am a writer, but when feeling under the gun, I tend to make mistakes with the keyboard. I try to mentally remember where the keys are, and I’m almost at the point where I am can do it without mistakes. When I write either my blogs or articles, I use my Mac wireless keyboard or my iPad which has a Bluetooth keyboard set up as a laptop. I go with what is most comfortable with my style and have learned to acclimate to which works best. That being said, I very rarely have to look down at what I am writing because I know that placement of the letters. One of the ups and downs of being a visual learner, and having to keep a steady pace, is just that. A work in progress I tell myself aka me vs me complex, something I am really trying to to shake before the end of the year.
With me hitting my goals in stride this year, I’m proud of myself. New position, better mindset and healthier altogether was part of my plan. Last year at this time, I was not in the best of places mentally or physically, I was morbidly obsess and depressed. Flash forward to this year, and I am a vegan with a clear mindset and purpose . It was as if a lightbulb went off in my head and I was able to finally open my heart to things, that I was once closed off to. I started off small, taking stock in what was truly going on with my body and what fueled my soul’s purpose. Writing is a Major part of that, and my love of nutrition and yoga, I re enrolled in the school with a major that fit those two niches. Working full time and studying is a balancing act, while also creating content and staying relevant on my platforms. I try not to become overwhelmed, my desktop has sticky notes and so does my mirror, with written affirmations. Never again will I be a part of shitty circumstances that bring me down, I have elevated myself to a point where I no longer identify with that version of me. I stand as an upgrade of that and hold myself in the brightest of lights, only I can dim that feature.
When I stepped on the scale the other day, I was in awe of myself. I really didn’t believe the number that I was seeing, I am officially 50lbs from being the smallest I have ever been in my adult life. I can’t just attribute this to being vegan, but the belief and hard work I personally have put into myself. Sitting alone, really alone helped me realize that my demons, needed to be silenced. Everyday when I wake up, I meditate, whether its an app or just a playlist of music, I pour into myself. That is the way I prefer to spend my mornings, that way I am leaving for my commute with a happy heart, not rushed or panicked as I did in the past. Secondly the night before, I usually cook and set aside my meals for the next day as well as setting the clothes I will be wearing on my bureau. I know what you are thinking, this isn’t that big of a deal. For someone who didn’t have this kind of structured schedule in her whole adult life, this is a major thing. I no longer have anger about feeling inadequate about things in my life, I have learned to let go of the things I can’t change. It’s also none of my concern how others view the changes I have made to my life, the people who belong in my future chapters stay consistent. The ones that haven’t, there was a reason and I shared the best and worst of times with them, and I will forever hold that in my heart, no hard feelings.
As I am preparing to turn the big 39, I choose to reflect on the last year. I will call it the path of discovering the real me, and learning who I was always meant to be. There are days when I don’t always want to drink that gallon of water, but then I remember what the alternative is, and what my body needs. Sitting on my spin bike and clicking the Pelaton app is at least a 4 day a week habit, and running or walking is something that I do daily. The best feeling is being told that I am a completely different person then I was last year. The saying you glow differently when you are happy is a true statement. I still have goals for this year, some public and the rest I will leave very private til its a better time to reveal them, if that. One thing that I am hoping to finish before the end of the summer, is my first short story/book. Either way, I’m going to live my best life this summer and for the rest of my life, it’s way too short for regret. In closing, if you see me in person, come say hello, I promise I don’t bite and always love to meet new people, strike up convos. I am living unapologetic, showing all my cards, and leaving nothing on the floor.