2020 was a watershed year. The covid pandemic wrought untold changes that will play out for decades. I know it has not been easy for a lot of you. Surprisingly for myself, the past year and a half has been fruitful.
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I was fortunate to meet someone who share the same values as myself and who deeply appreciates me for who I am. That has been a big help to see the good in myself, and to help me learn to love myself more. Through another fortunate coincidence, we share our lives through a complete cycle of the seasons with Xuanwu. Deep inside, I feel that there is a deep karmic bond with Xuanwu; between the three of us. This period of time is best describe as the longest, deepest nights interspersed with brilliant, ephemereal days.
| Xuanwu hugging Irina |
There were challenges with my work visa, work, with relationships, money. In short, life is never easy in Beijing as a foreigner, especially if you are not an expatriate. Despite all the challenges, I have never felt as settled as I am now.
Leap of Faith
A brief walk through my background: I come from a solidly middle-class Malaysian family. As with typical ethnic-Chinese families, my family members are hard working, honest, kind and on top of that high-achievers. My parents sacrificed a lot to send my brother and I overseas to obtain Western education and experience. I return to Malaysia with a good university degree, worked at one of the best multinational company in the world and was in a relationship with an amazing person. Career progression, car, house and marriage follows.
A typical, if not a picture-perfect Southeast Asian middle class life.
From the outside, it looks as though I made a 180 degrees turn in my life. Throwing away a bright future, a stable life in an amazing country for... Martial arts? Spiritual cultivation?
| To infinity and beyond! |
Who Am I
Who am I? Is that not a question we often ask ourselves? Why are we here on Earth? Surely it is more than making a living, surviving, pro-creating and living the cocoon of a family?
Occasionally we come across people who are full of life. They live every day filled with joy and zest. There is purpose to their job or calling. They seemed to be very sure of the meaning of life. At least their own life.
Do you ever wonder?
I don't.
Because I know from a young age what I want. What I need to do. There is an inexorable pull to martial arts and spiritual cultivation. I recall clearly when I was in the intellectually inquisitive phase of life, and explored the various religions and faiths. The path that speaks out most loudly to me is Buddhism, yet the Daodejing is the book that makes most sense to me.
As the autumn leaves shed and pile up on the ground, so too societal expectations snuff out the flames of truth and determination. The more achievements I have, the emptier is my heart. So deep are the layers of desires and expectation that nary a flicker of ember remain. Thus with a perfect life on the outside, I am depressed and unfeeling in the inside.
When the tides go out to its lowest ebb, it will naturally rise again. With fortune I have met a martial artist at work who graciously shared all that he knows. Unknowingly a seed is planted, biding its time to bloom. There came a day when I asked myself what is it I want in my life, and demanded only an honest answer. The answer was: martial arts and spiritual cultivation.
Don't Look At the Road, Walk the Path
What do I mean by martial arts and spiritual cultivation? Do I want to win martial arts championships? Be the strongest fighter in Malaysia, in Asia or in the world? Do I want to be a guru or an enlightened being?
I don't know.
Even today there is no exact answer.
I know that salvation and happiness is through martial arts and spiritual cultivation. That is my Dao, my path.
When I am sincere in seeking the Dao, doors naturally open. Many teachers and friends has helped me along. Someday I will be fortunate enough to show others along too.
I wanted to go to Wudang Mountains, live in a Daoist martial arts school for a year and train intensively. Initially I planned to master as many techniques as I can; keep training over the years and someday open a martial arts school in Malaysia.
During my stay I realized I cannot get what I seek at Wudang. In a chain of coincidences, I came to know my teacher in Beijing. To continue learning, I need to have a long-term visa and a stable life.
“First establish a firm foothold in daily activities within society. Only then can you cultivate reality and understand essence.” -Secret of the Golden Flower
That is how I am where I am now - a software engineering in Beijing who is trying to squeeze in as much martial arts practice and spiritual cultivation as possible.
If you ask me just 5 years ago if I will work long term in Beijing, I would have said it is more likely for me to be working long-term in, say, Reykjavik or Gaborone.
Do I have plans for the next year, the next 5 years and 10 years? Yes, of course. But I am not going to sweat it if circumstances changes, whether it be disaster or opportunities. Whatever the case, I will still be striving to train martial arts and spiritual cultivation.
| Me, demonstrating Instagram filters |
What Is The Right Religion
Let's go back to the point in life where I had a strong conviction, an almost unshakeable faith. In the winter of May 2003, I was feeling stressed out with my studies. I have always been curious about meditation but never officially learn any meditation techniques. Some random Googling brought me to the Goenka tradition of meditation. It was an amazing experience; after the 10 days of intensive meditation, I felt like I manage to chisel a small crack in the wall of defilements and experience just the tiniest bit of light. And that was sufficient to keep me going for the rest of my life.
From then onwards, I have been practicing anapana, vipasanna and metta. What the Buddha taught to let go of suffering.
Back in Malaysia, I struggled and did not practice much. Those days were filled with misery. With one of the few escapes being talking to my close friend and complaining about life. One thing he said stuck with me; even if I do not have the chance to further my practice and learn from a wise teacher, I can still undertake the five precepts. Even since then, I have tried to avoid breaking the 5 precepts.
On the other hand, I am not comfortable with the religious and cultural aspects of Buddhism. Buddhist temples of different traditions abound in Malaysia, yet those who are keen to practice what the Buddha taught are few. It's like teenager and sex; everyone is talking about it, but no one is actually doing it.
| Clearly dressed up like a Buddhist |
Dao and Dhamma
Skipping forward to my days in Wudang, I was practicing Wudang martial arts, with clear connections to Daoism. I knew that if I really wanted to gain deeper insights into the arts, I need to understand the essence of Daoist cultivation.
And I got myself to a crossroad: do I continue with Buddhist cultivation, or do I switch to Daoist cultivation?
This is a contradiction that I still have today. I am not going to pretend and write those feel-good things like "all paths lead to the same destination", "religions are different in the surface only". Because that is simply untrue.
What I understand at this point of time is imagine cultivation as a journey to the peak of the mountain. Climbing up from one route is akin to a religion, another route is another religion. Does it make sense to say, "I want to climb up Everest from the South face today, and the North face tomorrow?"
Goenka explained it better with his simile of digging a well. If you dig a well and do not find water, it is ok to move to another spot and try again. Yet if you only dig 5 feet at every spot, you will never be able to reach any water source.
My path is inexorably linked with both paths. Instead of questioning it, I have embraced the juxtaposition. I train Wujiquan a lot, which is a Daoist art. Applying concepts from Satthipatthana sutta helps me to clear blockages. Likewise when I am not getting anywhere with anapana and vipassana, The Secret of the Golden Flower clears off some doubts and inspires my spirit.
Whichever path one chooses, the key is to have a good teacher.
| Pizza exemplifies the Dharma wheel and Taiji perfectly |
How to Progress
Let me re-share the lessons my teacher said about progressing in practice
- Building up a habit
- Less is more - regular habit
- Small goals with continuous progress (from rough movement to details)
Consistency is key. I will post about 100-days next.
