I am very fortunate to grow up in an Asian family. My family emphasize the importance of getting a good education to secure a bright future. My parents worked very, very hard to save up for both my brother and my education. For someone hailing from a lower middle class family to be able to study overseas is an amazing feat of tenacity and frugality.

Neither is my scenario unique. All across Malaysia and Asia, especially in East Asian nations, parents instil the value of academic achievement as a marker for success. Do well in school and university, secure a good job, keep working hard and you are set for life. Simple right?

Lazy Bums

Not so fast. Most parents complain that despite all their efforts to send their children to tuition, extra-curricular activities and additional classes, their children do not appreciate what they do. Moreover, they blame us (the parents) when things go wrong in life. What am I to do with my children? I have done everything in the best possible way, I try to give them the best future and yet they resent me!

So how did the adorable, obedient and beautiful child suddenly turn into an ungrateful monster?

Two common reasons that parents claim are friends and hormones. Do teenagers hang out together and make plans on who can annoy and hate their parents more? Do they think adults are enemies, and band together to be disrespectful to adults? Do hormonal changes trigger some unfilial switch in their brain?

Now I am not saying friends and hormones do not affect teenagers and youths. This is the period of a major developmental spurt. Teenagers are often struggling to find their identities, to make sense of the world around them and what are expected of them. In fact, this is the period of time when they need the most emotional support from their parents. So what do parents do instead? We castigate them for their unruly behaviour. We call them lazy for sleeping in, when their body is affected by hormonal changes and with brain growth spurt requires an immense amount of energy, hence it is not their choice to sleep more and "laze around".

Given that you are struggling so much trying to find your place in the world, trying to explore your own sexuality in a society full of taboos, basically just trying to survive the next day, your parents will not stop heckling and judging you. Is it then surprising for a teenager to turn to their peers for support instead of to an adult?

Magical Thinking

Aren't we a teenager once? Surely it is not that difficult to recall our own struggles with parents and authoritative figures at that age. If we are willing to put in the effort to recall our own experiences, we will be more compassionate to our children. Instead of listening and opening our hearts, we expect our children to

magically change from an obedient 10-year-old to a mature, responsible adult. 

These magical thinking has to stop. We criticize our children for not developing essential life skills such as taking public transportation, cooking, sewing and budgeting when we had those skills at the same age. Let's recall for a moment how did you obtain those skills? Do you turn 16 one day and magically you know how to cook and take the bus to town? Or is it because your parents had to work late and you were forced to cook, and you learn by observation? Where are those learning opportunities when you employ a house maid to do all the cleaning and cooking work at home? How will they know how to take the bus when you either ferry them everywhere or arrange private transportation for them?

Outmoded Thinking

Sure, you say, you have those rebellious moments too. But you still obey your parents, complete your chores and be a well-behaved child to your parents. How do you explain your children's inane actions? Bear in mind that when we look at the past, we look at it through rose-tinted glass. I would want to remember my teenage years as the halcyon days - playing competitive chess, basketball and Taekwondo, raising a cat, feeling the wind in the hair as I cycle top speed to the seaside. I certainly would not recall my asshole behaviour to friends, the always frowning face at family gathering, intentionally entering the school late so that I can stand by the roadside to be punished singing the school song, playing truant, and on and on. No, I am pretty sure you weren't such a goody two shoes. So cut your kid some slack, okay?

But I also believe you when you said you were an obedient kid. Look, times were different then. In the 70s and 80s, there were a lot of uncertainties and overt racism in Malaysia. Your parents were happy to just keep the job they have, and take on as much overtime as possible, or figure out some way to earn a second income just to keep your family afloat. Could you chuck your schoolbag aside after school and sit in front of the television for hours every day? No, your parents do not need to tell you what you need to do. You either help your parents with their small business, or take charge of the housework and take care of your younger siblings. It is not even a matter of choice, but of necessity. You do not have much free time, and neither do you have distractions such as Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook.

Here's Your Crutch

So instead of exposing your children to the challenges of the real world, you instead wrap them up in a cocoon. You send them to the best school, pay for the best tuition teachers, buy the most nutritious food. Hire help to do anything possible, so that your children can spend their life free of suffering and hardship, and in their perfect joy need only be obedient and do well academically.

You want your children to be successful and happy? By loosening the chain on their destiny, let them face the world and learn from mistakes. Can a baby learn to walk without falling? Certainly not! If you are going to put your child on a walker all the time, then you are accountable for their failing to learn to walk.

Your child is a gift from the Heavens, and we have only so little time together in this finite life. Someday he/she will soar high and free in the sky. But only if you hold your breathe and bite your tongue, as you see them plunging down the cliff.

I cannot say it better than Bruce Lee,

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.

No Excuses

So Asian parents, you do not have any excuses in your children's failure to grow up and face the world. Stop giving them crutches and blame them for failing to walk on their own.

Remember that your child is turning into an adult. An equal person, with different dreams, aspirations and values than yours. Start by opening up your heart and listen when they speak. Give them comfort when they need it, and the space they need to grow. And I assure you your relationship with your children will be so much healthier.