My first Pregnancy was with Corey who is now 4. I had been with his dad mark and still am for 5 years and we had often talked about having a baby. I was at the time caring for my nan and given up working to be help care in her end of life struggle with cancer. We had been actively trying for a baby for probably 2 years. I would have seriously bad period pains which my nan was convinced were early loses, and when I would have these types of “period” I to thought and felt it was a loss. The Pain and bleeding was different. id be left bed bound, vomiting and curling over in pain. I began to start thinking I wouldn’t be able to have children that maybe something was wrong with me! My mum to had started to wonder and encouraged me to visit the doctor.

I had started feeling ill around the time but not in a pregnancy ill I felt flu like symptons and had a really sore throat. Being I was caring for my nan and she didn’t need the added factor of  flu I visited the doctor. While there I mentioned about my trouble of not conceiving and she asked me to do a wee sample and she would set up an appointment at the hospital for me. I sat back down with my sample and she did a dip stick. After a few minutes she said ” well you wont need the hospital appointment your pregnant”.. I remember just staring at her and repeating “what, no, what..no” and she sat laughing I even remember saying ” shut up! shut up!” ha ha whilst she carried on smiling. I then without saying bye or anything stood up and walked out. My nan lived a minute walk and as I got to her house my mum pulled up in the car and straight away asked what was wrong. I told her that this stupid doctor reckoned I was pregnant! She was just as shocked and we rushed to the pharmacy and back to my nans with the test. I sat shaking whilst doing and and I was infact pregnant!! Later I told mark and he was over the moon.

So for the first few months my pregnany went smoothly. At 15 weeks pregnant my beloved best friend and nan died. She never spoke about my pregnancy much i think she was hurting knowing she’d never meet him, she never heard the heat beat or felt him kick. I did buy a heart beat machine and went to her house for her to hear but her morphine was just to strong by now and she just slept all day. I remember lying on the floor and giving her the headphones to hear and as I found the heart beat she fell asleep and I lied there with tears rolling down my face. She didn’t get to know he was a he. I went for a scan private scan at 16 weeks for a gender scan. It was an amazing experience me and mark both cried. I wrote on a scan picture of him waving ” hes a boy nan” and we placed it in her coffin.

A few weeks after my nan had passed we moved home to a new area as a fresh start.i couldn’t bare to keep walking past her empty bungalow or seeing someone else in her kitchen window. I had started to feel really weak and tired a lot. I thought this was just normal pregnancy and the loss of my nan. I was due to see the midwife at the new surgery and as I walked the 10 minute walk I started to realise I could hardly breathe, I had to keep stopping every few steps and my heart was beating so hard it moved my chest. I was as white as a ghost.

When we got to the surgery the nurse took one look at me and phoned an ambulance. I was rushed in blue lighted and straight to the doctor. My iron level count had dropped to 3 they said they would expect this level from a major car crash victim who was bleeding out, yet I wasn’t bleeding at all. Corey was also having to work harder inside and was draining what life I did have! Its was around 3pm when I got to the hospital and by 9 id had so many test I cant even tell you. Mark and my mum had gone home by now so I could rest. A doctor came and woke me at 12am and said “im sorry your levels are so low we need to blood transfusions now” and they started rushing my bed away before I could open my eyes properly. I was taken to the delivery rooms and I started panicking begging to reassure me they weren’t delivering. Doctors came in and out and needles were places in both arms. Normally the blood is cooled to room temperature and left to flow in from a drip however my levels were dropping further so a doctor each side pushed the blood threw and into my arms I felt it going in, the coldness going up and into my chest and down around my body. I was given 4 transfusions of blood and one of iron. By 4am they had finished and id slept on and off whilst they did it. I stayed in a few days and I felt great full of energy like I could run a marathon.

Once back home I was having to visit the surgery everyday for them to give b12 injections, check my heart and do blood tests. After a week I was back to being poorly, I visited the gp and my heart was of the chart and I was rushed by ambulance again. This happned 2 more times. I had stays in hospital on and off through the rest of the pregnancy. I had extra scans and saw different specalists heart, pregnancy and blood doctors. I was taken off midwife care and placed under hospital care seeing them every other week to every week My days were spent in bed, id get up at 9am after sleeping all night but by 10.30am would need to sleep again till 2 up for an hour and back down for 3-4. I couldn’t walk more than a few steps without gasping for air and needing support to walk. I honestly looked like I had a terminal illness. My lips were white aswell as my whole face even my gums. I couldn’t wash or even toilet alone. It was really hard not just on me but family to. Mark became like my carer and my mum must have been so worried.

I had also developed SPD a common but painful pregnancy condition where by the muscles in a womens hips cervix and groin area become soft to allow for labour. However it happens early for some women from the pressure of the baby. For me it had started around 23 weeks and it was very painful. Walking became unbearable not just walking but to move. I had to be aided with every step and movement.

From around 30 weeks it had been arranged and agreed that a csection was my best form of delivery as I was to weak and the SPD pain was to intense.

At 36+6 days I went with my mum to a consultation at the clinic that was caring for me. Id been going weekly and so this felt a normal day. I went into the room and they felt corey. A few days before this I had tripped over in the bedroom and id felt what I can only describe as a pop in my lower stomach, it gave me a huge shooting pain across my belly. As they felt around corey she started to look at my mum and said ” were just going to send you around for a quick scan I think baby is breach “. At this point I felt abit of panic. We went around for the scan and he was now breach and I new it was the trip that had done it. We waited to see the consult. As we sat in the room we could here the nurse and midwives talking to her about me and we tried are hardest listen.

The consultant came in and said “well you wont be going home now incase labour comes on while hes breach” … I felt gutted at another hospital stay and for how long.  Then I had the shock of my life ” were delivering tomorrow”… I looked at my mum and wanted to cry I felt so scared I wanted to run away and keep him in there ha ha. I was terrified ha ha so was my mum!.

Mark was a nervous wreck! He came from work to the hositpal and brought our things. That night I was took to see the anaesthetist. Then mark went home ready for the morning. I did not sleep at all I lay awake the whole night terrified thinking about how life would change. I thought a lot about my nan too.

The next morning around 9am the midwife came to check on corey. Mark had been there since 7. She came back after a few minutes and looked confused. I stared at her eyes and I new something was wrong. She then said she’d be back in a moment, I turned to mark and said something’s wrong I felt my belly and realised I hadn’t felt him so I started pocking prodding praying on a kick. Nothing. She came back and opened my curtains. Panic hit me like a tonne of bricks there were 5 other people with her. ” Were going to surgery now”. I burst out crying they all tried to calm me telling me baby was just being lazy but I new something was wrong. My bed was instantly rushed out the room and I was straight down to theatre. Mark had been taken off another direction to change into scrubs. I kept thinking is he being told bad news or is he really getting on scrubs, are they lying.

My spinal (epidural) hurt ALOT. I lent forward and hugged a pillow still with no mark and I felt a instant pain shoot through my legs and spine. I screamed and a man caught me from falling off the table. I then went numb, I later now have mega back pains and a tear through my lower spine that I believe they caused. I was lied down and curtains went up. Mark was then brought to my head and I felt relieved. I thought if hes died then mark wouldn’t have been let in surely not.

At 11.41am my gorgeous healthy baby boy was born. His heart rate had dropped a lot inside and he needed a little help to clear his airways but apart from that he was here and he was healthy. As soon as I saw his little body huge waves of love washed over me,  its a feeling id never felt and I will never forget. I sobbed and sobbed pure happiness. He was beautiful.

The after pain of a csection is something I didn’t prepare for. In my mind the cesction was the easy route. I couldn’t have been more wrong. From the delivery I have drips and draps of memory. I was taking morphine hourly and a load of other medicine. The pain was horrendous. I felt like my insides were going to fall out I couldn’t bare to move. When the time came for mark to leave as at this time dads couldn’t stay over night but this rule has changed now, so when he left I cried so much and I remember a midwife or nurse whoever she was saying ” what you crying for time to grow up” and I will never forget her face. When I later went on to have derry I looked for her slimey face daily but didn’t see her id have gave her a mouth full being stronger wiser and older. My first night was awful I felt the midwifes and nurses were rude and horrible to new mothers, yes they changed and fed him as I couldn’t move but they showed no compassion or care towards me. I dreaded when I lated was pregnant with derry returning but it was a totally different experience with derry and I couldn’t praise or thank those nurses and midwives enough!.

After 5 days are gruelling pain I was aloud home. Being home changed it all I felt a euphoric happiness. I loved caring for him, I would stare at him and be so excited at the thought he was mine and no one was taking him away. I felt the happiest id ever felt and mark was brilliant and still is . I loved taking him out in his pushchair and having walks with him. People stopping us to have a look at him. I even loved the night feeds knowing the world was asleep and I was the only one enjoying this moment with MY baby I loved it.

He is now 4 and he’s the most caring sweet hearted little soul. Hes got such a funny character and he’s my absolute king! He gave me the title of MUMMY and I will forever be grateful.

Thanks for reading

x