This blog has always been my safe place. I’ve said so many things on here that I’ve told almost no one else. So I don’t know why I’ve strayed from posting when I need it most, and why I felt that what I’m dealing with right now shouldn’t be posted…
I’ve had a lot on my plate with university being in two weeks. Now that the time is coming to a close, it feels like there’s a Huge weight on my shoulders.
I’m so excited to start this new chapter, and to be living with my boyfriend, and the group of us to have a place together, but so many things are changing and it’s also really scary.
I’m so dependent on my parents. Not just financially and for food and that usual stuff, but emotionally too. I’ve learned how to manage my emotions around them and my siblings to not be questioned about them, for example if I’m not feeling great, learning how to hide that and whatnot. It’s not good, I know that. But now that I won’t have them there, and it’s a different group of people, I have to relearn how to manage all of that.
I’m used to them bossing me around, telling me what to do and when, or what not to do.
It’s going to be a huge adjustment not having that.
Also, my house is always busy… and super loud. I don’t know how well I’m going to handle a super quiet house with only 4 of us living in it.
Money is on my mind. I’m super duper Worried about not having the money for this whole adulting thing. I have to pay rent, and for my phone, and my part of wifi, and pitch in for food. Plus have a tiny bit of spending money???? Oh, and school books, and all that fun stuff. I have some support from the government but it just covers the school stuff and I’m worried that will come in late and I’ll have to pay out of pocket then be reimbursed.
I’ve started talking to some girls in my program and they all seem super nice. What if they don’t like me when they actually meet me????
And I know it’s stupid to worry about but what if my boyfriend doesn’t like living with me? He’ll have to see me every day, deal with my emotions and just me being there…. what if I annoy him being there all the time???? What if he finds someone else or falls out of love with me and then we break up and I have to find a new place and ughhhh that’s a horrible thought. I don’t want to not be with him, ever. I just had a meltdown about that a bit ago, with him beside me talking me through it, I can’t think about that again.
And lastly, the leaving part…. We had a little lunch today with some family for me moving away to see everyone. My friend of the last 6 years, who has been a huge support for me, was there and it was nice to see her. She’s also moving, farther than I am, and far from me. She was close to tears as she hugged me goodbye. My grandparents who I haven’t seen for a while showed up. I haven’t seen my papa in a long time and he didn’t look too well today, physically. I’m so worried about him, and I won’t see him till at least Christmas now.
There’s just so much going on and I’m feeling very overwhelmed by it all. None of this even has to do with University itself- that’s a whole different story and I’m worried about that too.
I hope this feeling goes away soon…