Don’t get me wrong, I love God with all my heart and soul, but recently I went through a period where I found that my faith was really being tested.
The thing is that my faith means everything to me and I feel like I am nothing without it. It’s what gives me purpose, hope and is basically my reason to live. So I am sure you can imagine how the fact that I found myself struggling with my faith was something that shook me.
I felt as if I was fighting a battle. Wait, no, I felt as if I had lost the battle.
At that particular moment in my life I had wished that I actually was fighting, because that would mean that I had something left in me, but I didn’t. I had absolutely nothing left. It seems like no one ever tells you about these times, when no matter how much you know of how faithful God is, you look around and think or feel as if maybe you aren’t worthy enough for Him to do another thing for you.
The reason why I wanted to share this and rebel from the, “Look how perfect my life is,” side of social media is because everyone has had this moment (or moments) in their life. No matter how strong I knew I was, I broke. Or at least I thought I did because I am not writing this to you all still broken, I am writing from the other side.
I am a firm believer in never letting situations or circumstances define or get the best of you, but lo and behold, I too am human. I bleed.
I looked at everything that was going on around me and I caved. I gave in to the pressure and I did the one thing that I loathe the most. I felt sorry for myself. I thought “Where is God? Can’t He see what I am going through?”
Of course He saw.
One thing I had realized in those times where I felt as if I had hit rock bottom and felt like I needed someone or something to depend on was that everything in that moment was really depending on me. My next thought, my next move the next thing that I was going to say.
I use to think that Patience meant that I had to tolerate and keep my cool during a situation or whatever it was a that I needed patience for. It wasn’t until I heard from a very wise woman (my momma) that patience is not tolerating but rather keeping the same attitude you started with on your journey until the end no matter what presents itself in the middle. I had made the mistake of letting what was happening around me move me, I had let the attitude I had when things were fine slip away now that, in my eyes, things were not so great. I couldn’t see how God was working because I was too busy focusing on the problems that I did have that I did not take time to look around and thank Him for the all the problems I didn’t have.
You see I almost lost my faith because I let myself get distracted. The reason why I questioned if God was there for me was because my focus was everywhere else except on Him. So there was no way I could know where He was in my life because, the fact is, I wasn’t looking.
No one in this life is exempt from the hard times. Jesus even said it, “In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.” So if I know that the hard times will come it should not be something that rattles me. My focus should be on that second part; My God has already overcome anything this world will try and throw at me.