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Hide and Seek

Recently , I wrote about the whole idea behind "keeping up with the Joneses ", the attempt to be exactly like your neighbor or even better than. The rat race that is being better than the house up the street means you mortgage your life away trying to keep up appearances. Inside of that "fake out" there is a fear that what goes on inside of your house is somehow embarrassing or unable to be related to. What and why are we hiding?

Let me tell you somethings that go inside of my house. We speak in odd voices. We make up words or modify words to make them sound funny, and probably only to our ear. We laugh, a lot. We spend most nights away from each other within the same home. One level up playing a video game, the other a floor down probably buying shoes ( guess which one I am ? ) We are normally in bed by 10pm, sleep by 11pm. We talk about and to our parents often. We don't vacuum as often as we should. We leave groceries on the counter overnight, forgetting any cabinet or pantry. We talk to the animals, have names for them that are not actually the ones given. We have clean towels unfolded for days. We walk around naked  sometimes with the blinds up but not always.

While any of that might sound odd to you, its real people doing real things. Inside of whatever you think goes on over here, that is pretty much the bulk of it. When you start realizing your oddness is no more strange than their weirdness, its free game. The question is still why we feel unable to be our honest selves for the town folk to see.( the town folk is seeing a lot more of me now that I think about it)  Why do we care that much?

Let no blog fool you I have figured out very little but one thing I do know its who I am. The gay experience is a preview to the world and creates a supernatural skill to feel out the room as you walk into it. Being scared of being shamed is quickly invoked in your little gay boy (or girl) life. You hide ( Hello closet!) to make sure no one will push you off the social ladder. ( Side note, from what I can tell .. the 2019 gay experience for a up and coming LGBTQ'er is way different from the past. I hear mothers at work talking about Gay Clubs in high schools, kids coming out at 13 or 14 , and sexual awakenings being accepted and welcomed . Congrats ) The same gay experience allows you to finally find yourself one day. There is no age guarantee when that will come about BUT there is a freeing sense of " this is who I am " that I am not sure the straight community gets to receive. For me, now, at 36ish, I refuse to hide a thing. ( see paragraph 2)

Again, I ask you . What is so scary that we have to pretend? How much of your friendships do you really know what is going on behind closed doors? Do you really think if they knew the REAL life you lead that somehow they would stop their friendship? The deepest of besties  are those who know just about everything . How many of those do you have?

I know of three major problems with our society today. ( Boy! listen to me!) One, the male ego. We don't have enough time to fully discuss . Two, social media and the overbearing need to over share. Three, the fake out that is our fake out . While one and two are major points, three is only one that I can see that continues to be past down from generation  to generation. My maternal grandmother was a pro at hiding any family garbage while sitting mid church in her routine pew. Fur coat and all, there was no denying behind closed doors there was an emotional vacancy past down from her own mother. ( She loved, she just loved behind a ice wall ). Life was a painting and you could never see the ink drying.

There is of course a difference between privacy and pretending. Above I ranted about little maybe embarrassing things but left out anything I would consider off limits. You could say "  I am a very private person" and you very well might be. I am also sure there is a major reason for the "very"... just like if you are "Very friendly' ... the cover up is in full swing. Private means it holds an emotional heaviness that does not require any other input or knowledge of.

The challenge remains, how you far you let go of the preconceived. The wall of what people think and reality of  what actually is happening. Maybe that glass house isn't as bad as we thought.

This post first appeared on MinorPerspective, please read the originial post: here

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