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The Darkness Inside

Dear readers,

Thanks a lot for reading this piece of fiction. I hope that it sends out the right message.  What you are about to read is a combination of both fact and fantasy about one of the dangerous addictions a person can face. However, thorough care has been taken to not include any derogatory words or phrases to make this a worthy read. Those having sensitivity and gender issues, kindly do not read further. However, the story mentioned below has no relation to any person living or dead and the names used are fictitious.

Also, for providing feedback and your valueable comments I have provided an email address.

Lastly, I sincerely hope that you people like the piece I wrote.

     Email address: [email protected]

     Faithfully yours
     Prateek Abhilashi

The Beginning

Chapter 1: The start of a problem

Hey folks,

This is me, Tarun sharma, a Student of eighth standard, living a happy life with no worries in West Delhi. The only pressure that I had was the result of my maths examination, a subject which I abhor even to this date. Apart from simple calculations of addition, subtraction, division and multiplication I never understood why someone would need mathematics at all.

The only thought that crossed my mind whenever the mathematics lecture was going was “When would the bell ring?” Apart from flunking in maths numerous times, I was an average Joe who would sit on the last bench and had students wondering, “Is he dumb?”

However, the best part of School life came during May-June, two awesome months of holidays away from all the parent-teacher meetings, punishments and early morning parades. We could get up and sleep whenever we want to, go out and come home late with friends and watch television for hours. This was the ideal lifestyle that we wish to have 24x7 and 365 days.

Winter time is the worst part of a student’s life. Imagine getting up at 7am and then leaving the warmth of your quilt to jump into cold water. The only reason for doing this thing over and over for another 12 years was to reach the place I detested yet loved the most, school.

One of my favorite teachers in the school was our history professor named Mr.Amit sharma. Now the reason I use the word “favorite” is because this teacher saved my ass a number of times from getting kicked by other teachers. The reason for ass kicked being, you guessed it right – incompletion of homework time and again.

Also, the physical education teacher Mr.Mukesh, whom the whole class had nicknamed “Arnold” owing to his huge bodyframe and voice, was another of my favorites. When the students were punished for not wearing tie or the school coat during winters, I would be spared the rod and sent back quietly to the class via nursery wing.
Somehow, i managed to pass the class 8th examinations and entered the next number, 9thstandard. However, with my journey into ninth standard also began one of the shadiest chapters of my life which continued for another 12 years. I termed it as “The Addiction” owing to the hideous nature and the impact it has on your social and personal growth.

This was the time when I got introduced to pornography through a 4-hour sex video that a friend gave to me. At first, hearing all those sound of pleasure, moans and seeing those desires of flesh unravel on my TV screen I was shocked. Slowly, I felt sensations that had not been experienced before and for the first time in my life I touched myself. I have to be honest here, it was just like being in heaven watching all the naked bodies of women I considered celestial and making all those pleasure-giving noises.

I watched the entire 4-hour marathon in bits and pieces. Sometimes at night after dinner, I would shut my door and plug-in the headphones in the DVD system attached to the television in my room to listen to those elated sound of erotic pleasure. I don’t believe there is a single person who hasn’t touched themselves or not watched porn, a notion I held on for years.

The bigger issue was that I did not have enough knowledge about Dopamine release and stuff related to it. Those new to the concept of dopamine, it is a pleasure hormone that the brain releases whenever we do something that makes us feel good.
With the advent of time, I watched porn here and there; sometimes in afternoon at home where I had to pretend to be asleep. What I did not realize was that along with the dopamine release my brain was getting fogged by Delta Fos-B, a substance that clogs the release of dopamine and makes it longer to get the same pleasure over time. Who would have known this in an age of adolescence when we were supposed to be worried more about homework than this entire scientific lingo?
After I completed the 9th and 10thstandard, I had to change school owing to my choice of humanities which was unavailable in the previous school. So, I came to Model School which was filled with idiots and douchebags. I have to admit that Model School was ground zero for all the idiotic activities. These ranged from boys getting into a gladiatorial contest for a girl, students being caught making out in the sports room. Although, the best proof of being an idiot was running away after snatching someone’s lunch. Nevertheless, I somehow managed to survive in this jungle of a school with some good people. The 11th class exams had me declared the king of English in the entire humanities and commerce section.

Unlike other school going kids I had no history of violence or getting into unnecessary scuffles over trivial matters. However, there was this one incident where I was almost rusticated for having beaten a boy badly over snatching my lunch. He was nicknamed “Chawal” and one fine day I decided to have some fun with Mr.Rice, although his real name was Rohit. Later the same day, we became friends after a warning from the principal and student councilor. However, the student councilor was surprised knowing that I was involved in this mater, considering my obedience and soft nature.
A year later I was preparing for my last exams as a school kid. The class 12th exams had been a bit tough to get by and as far as English subject was concerned, I considered myself the king. However, this over-confidence led to my downfall as I secured only 58 in English as opposed to 85 in 11th standard. Finally, these 12 years of hard-work, fixed timetable and homework stress had ended. I was now moving towards the second phase of my life.

I must admit that during the last two years of my school life, I had the most fun….with my sexual fantasies and pornography at my disposal 24x7 owing to being gifted with a computer on my birthday. The plus point being that I had internet connection and could log on to the webworld in the middle of the night. The computer had been shifted to my room, something which made watching porn a walk in the park for me.

Chapter 2: The curse

After passing out of school with 58% aggregate in humanities, it was time to open the next chapter of my journey AKA the college life. Once, I gave entrance examinations for getting admission in a mass communication college, my luck landed me from the western corner of Delhi to the south corner. This institute known as LLDIMS was located in Chhattarpur and just behind the Gurgaon highway.

Lo Behold! It took me 5 days to locate this place called Mandi village which so many other students like me had confused with Mandi House metro station. Now most of you would be wondering who would take a college located in some remote place cut-off from civilization. You are absolutely right but our parents often take the saying, “to study hard one need to stay away from distractions” very seriously to their heart. So, this college was the joint decision of the parents committee of my house despite the fact that there was another institute in vicinity.
Now, with the speed of a snail came 7th August 2007, and my first day at college. This is where I got introduced to something my parents termed as, “the world”.  This world was filled with so much energy and enthusiasm that even a person who is wheelchair bound would jump out from it and know what it means to “be alive”.

I completed my graduation with a decent 60% and decided to do a post-graduate course. During this time of one year from May 2010 to May 2011, I came in contact with some of the most amazing people as my classmates. Some were fond of being a big television personality, others dreamt of being a model, some wanted to be a director and then there was me dreaming of being a writer.

I had no other issues except that raging dopamine release which I had got to release anyhow. The problem was that it was released only via pornography, nude images of body parts and sometimes even fantasizing about someone close to me.

Chapter 3: The Objectification

Now came the biggest hurdle of my life. This is the point where I realized that I had developed an addiction so bad that it could not be shared even with friends. The sounds of pleasure that had me going mad now became a part of my routine so deep that I started ignoring friends, family and even the things I loved to do.

Thus, began my descent into madness and uncontrolled sexual behavior which took a pretty long time to subside. In short, I had lost control of my base urge and was now on a free ride towards doomsland with my brain as the driver.

Did you ever wonder what a simple 15-minute video of penetration and moaning can do to your life? Or how just from a single video can someone get so addicted to watching this act of subjugating women? The dopamine released watching porn is the same as seen drug addicts. Similar to a person who once consumes cocaine or heroin and is unable to relax without these; pornography also makes one unsatisfied from normal routine, in particular; normal sexual contact.

Those addicted to these sounds and images suffer from various medical problems, to name a few as PED (Porn induced erectile dysfunction) or dopamine not being released via normal sexual contact.  Hopefully, I still had the grace of god with me but could not find the exit door for this addiction.

Another issue that pornography introduces in your healthy and happy lifestyle, both on and off bed is the angle of objectification of every single woman you know. This can even include the ladies of your family or relatives, trust me I had the worst experience with it. It is something that I am not proud of being a part of in my life.

Chapter 4: My descent into madness

Along with objectification of women another trouble presented itself in my life. This was my descent into utter madness. Now some of you may have got the idea about the type of madness I am talking about. But for those who are a little naive towards this darkness allow me to enlighten you. My journey which had started from watching simple pornographic videos escalated me to the darkest part of my psyche. It was the “lust for flesh” now that I yearned for; yes you heard it right.

In order to experience first-hand all that I had seen on the web, I decided to visit a brothel and feel the “high” that many experience. Then, I decided to use the love of my college life as a guinea pig for my sexual escapades. At this point, I had become completely ignorant to the idea that one addiction leads to another. When I couldn’t have the cash, I would go to my old faithful partner, the internet to satisfy my craving for some “action”.

This is when I realized for the first time that this had crossed the borders of being a healthy way of exploring my sexuality. This had become a rampant “disease” that had invaded every single moment of my life. If friends came to call for sports, I declined and sat on the net for hours. If my girlfriend Ria came, I choose to watch those online beauties instead of just sticking to one girl. I could have any girl I wanted for a good “digital love making” session. Hell, I even broke off with her in a few days telling her that she was not what I wanted her to be. Disasters after disasters happened but all I could do was sit and watch while porn invaded everything I held dear.

Chapter 5: The solution to everything
After a late realization of what had happened to my normal life, I researched ways both religious and scientific to overcome this habit that had escalated to being an addiction.

Finally, I read a book by someone named Gary Wilson “Your brain on porn” and it was then that I realized what had been happening to my brain all this time. Why I had neglected my social life? Why I had become so addicted to this digital prostitution? However, another thing that moved me was that I was adding to the demand for filmed prostitution by just clicking on a link. What was I supposed to do now? How was I supposed to reverse back to my normal self? I came to know about the how pornography had not only ruined personal life of an individual but also how it had led to the downfall of marital life.

I read it on a blog somewhere that it takes a maximum of 28 days to break or make a habit. This seemed like a big task for me. Let alone 28 days, I could not get further than 2-3 days.

The only thing that brought me back from the dead was the strong willpower and the support of my family members. You read that right too, family members!!!! How can someone share such a habit with family? Trust me friends, at the end of the day it is only your family that understands your issues and provides a support wall.

At present, it’s been 4 years that I have been away from this vicious circle or PMO for good. However, that darkness still lingers somewhere in the dark corners of my mind and keeps calling me, “Come back, we can have all the fun you want”.

This post first appeared on Creations Of A Creationist, please read the originial post: here

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The Darkness Inside


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