I had that for quite some time.

The light side & the dark side.

T’Challa & N’Jadaka.

A royal side & a rebellious side.

Are you fit to be a king? Or are you corrupted enough to be a tyrant?

I’m not afraid to look at myself as either. A king with responsibilities of leading the lost & educating the confused. Yet also a brutal ruler with an iron fist to be respected in a world where the strong survive.

I can only imagine how I may be. I struggled with choices in my life, so it would be terrible to struggle the same when it comes to being in a position of power.

Tyrants are ruthless. They act fast, they seize control, they show no fear or remorse towards there actions. It is first come, first serve. Whoever is in second place is the first to lose. The first to possibly die for not being the first to stay alive.

I don’t want to be that.

The King is the one with the most respect, the most authority & the gentle giant to his people. But he can’t be naive to controversy. He cannot be idle against the opposers. He cannot allow the oppressors to cull the meek. He cannot be a pacifist King or else he will be overthrown. Nor can he be a tyrant-like King.

I don’t think I can handle that.

Yet why would I feel incapable of being a King in a world in need of rightful kings? It seems much more easier to just be a tyrant since there is no shame in what was needed to be done. A true King would feel ashamed due to his emotions creating sympathy for the people that expect him to do right.

But he would be deemed too weak. Unfit to sit a the throne where it is believed only the toughest & strongest earn the chair. That’s why T’Challa was always challenged even when the people believed no one else but him should be King. It was part of the tradition. The heritage. But the tyrants knew with power, if you’re too weak to fight, if you fear death nor are able to protect, you’re too weak of a man to even call yourself a King.

Yet, tyrants are created, not born. Everyone has the potential to be a King, but corruption of the mind creates the tyrants. The anger, the rage, the injustice, the urge to retaliate at moments notice reveals the sinister ways in a King.

However, the misinformed & the brainwashed are the worse of tyrants. They have no sense to know the wrong they are committing as they believe they are doing no wrong & are fulfilling a duty that long needed someone with such brutality & shameless.

That was me at a point in time. A righteous king in the outside who was a secret tyrant in the inside. I had to learn the harsh realities of life to understand that this is a problem every human faces. The choice of good & evil.

N’Jadaka was the tragic antihero. Much like I’ve always felt I myself have been. An unfair & deadly past that created the tyrant he forced himself to be just to show how strong he truly was. But the inner confusion was guarded heavily with scars. As if every scar from warfare was a tool for eliminating his emotions & sympathy. The world was never fair to him since he was a child , just as me.

I would grow up silently watching, waiting, & planning my full-scale assault on anyone that ever contributed to the unfairness amongst my life. Family included. No one was safe. It was either I unleash the built up rage which would burn bridges with everyone, or I disappear & leave no trace or explanation on why I’d leave & not care about anyone but myself & whatever work I’d provide for myself.

Yet, the emotions would never go away no matter what. The nightmares of the past forever haunting. The continual struggle of wishing to return to the past & make the necessary changes even as the defenseless child who knew no better. Unfortunately, the haunting memories of the past is how the tyrant always loses. Everything is a karmic buildup for the true king to overthrow the tyrant no matter how strong he thinks he is.

I told myself I would never self destruct no matter what. A tyrant is always bound to self destruct for his wrong doings & confusion, but I was bound to be a king later in life. I was always receiving the signs of that. I always had a connection with the Lord to remember that. What I needed to do first, was purge the inner tyrant that was coming out.

I found that the question I asked years ago about “becoming successful without a college degree” would be answered in over 3 years of my life. I had started my blog to express my mind on my personal struggles to where I realized I fell in 2018 after losing the love of my life. All because I was on the verge of entering the world as a confused tyrant who would not know how to own up for his actions when I was a mental abuser. Someone who hard pressures people for answers & personal demands when you forget, you never suppose to feel as though you have authority over anyone’s life.

I realized I didn’t need to go to college to know how to remain professional at the necessary times. The jobs I had in my life helped me develop the professional attitude & know when to speak out. People caring too much about the resumes & the background when I’ve always been a man with a clean record. I only ever thought I was a bad person just by the way I affected the people I loved. The mental illness of thinking you’re always in a dark spot for dwelling so hard on the past.

When I got into one of the most known banks in the world, JPMorganChase, I found it was still not a place I needed to be. I was still a man of flaws, but in a place where they strip you of your passions, emotions & dress you in a suit & say “follow these steps & you’ll be successful”, how could I ever think I would last in a place full of people thinking they’re perfect & understand pointless logic that makes no sense in real life?

I found that I began living life first before I’d enter into the corporate hellhole. Yet, I understood that silence & resilience was their true counter. A person who flat out doesn’t answer to anyone nor gives a fuck about his job as if life doesn’t continue on with new opportunities.

Not only that, knowing that the job will quickly replace you with another mindless zombie.

That was the trap. But inside the trap zone, I was as transparent as ever. Being the most readable person since I could be searched up on the internet, but also the hardest to tap into. They read me & thought they knew me. Until that is, I caught onto them. Seeing through the lies of the “Jedi” & using their own logic against them to make them remember what it means to be human & not a machine.

It was a free pass however. Not having to pay a single dime for the lessons or the experience. Interesting, because I figured there would be a catch for such a free offer into the corporate life. The hidden catch they’ll never tell you about being trapped in their house of lies & deception to keep your mind invested in their senseless work. A “no fun zone” because fun interferes with people’s thinking. Their ability to focus, & their own opinion of you as if you don’t take anything seriously.

Yet, off the clock is usually when the true colors show. All the mental issues, personal traumas, social awkwardness, etc. as they bury themselves with a busy schedule to feel productive, they suffer from the lack of any actual attention such as being unable to maintain a relationship with anyone, or being extremely envious of another person’s living. Wondering how can someone be so satisfied with their living & even still be happy when they live in poverty? You NEED this job to get further in life.

Says the fuck who? Where’s the “Life’s Rulebook” that says “only corporate people are successful”? Why do most of them seem to secretly be doing hardcore drugs, or are mad alcoholics who end up ruining their own reputation? Why do they feel like a suit just makes them become the “man of steel” like a bullet won’t do them any justice? I’ve seen a lot of those stories. It’s the harsh realities of life they like to ignore. They are scared inside.

Even in “The Dark Knight” the Joker makes a valid point. He could threaten to kill more than 10 civilians but it won’t cause a city wide panic. But a threat to take down the Mayor causes the state to go on lockdown in search of the one man who made the threat. Because now they are wondering what that person is capable of to make such a threat & why. You make that person infamous in the world, making news reports, & falling into the cat & mouse game. Who are the real fools? And who are more fucked up? Him for making threats, or the authorities for arming up to defend just one person & not the civilians?

I’ve seen those cryptic messages killers would send out before they commit their mass murders. A warning that nobody would take seriously until the shots are fired & the people are dead. Those who lost their loved ones mourn for months & even years, while the main message that always plays out is “everyone dies”. Nobody wants to be reminded of that, which is why we cherish every single moment we have on the Earth & with the people we care about.

Making excuses why you can’t be with your family because of “work” gets old. Because you can always find time throughout your daily lives to make time for what’s important. You’d rather listen to people who don’t give a fuck about you than people that do? Or listen to people who don’t know shit themselves but always act as though they do to feel superior & smarter?

Like a game of chess, you look at your opponent, & then you look at their moves. Are they skilled? Are they tricky? Or are they just downright foolish?

Knowing how to read is true power.