I can move again. Free from restraints. I can think again. Free from blockages. I can feel again. Free from pains.
But I remembered who I am.
And once I did that, did I remember the answers for my own life. I had always been coming up with my own answers to my problems just as you are suppose to do. All my problems have been mended. My heart, my mind, my soul in which were all damaged, are revitalized. New & improved, indomitable & powerful, virtuous & sinister. The balance has been set for me to choose what to influence more now.
As I see through the lies in the world now, I must control the angry temper of being deceived from the past. It is rather….unpleasant. Full of wrath I should say.
Wrath had been the start of me all along. I was extremely vengeful on the inside towards anyone that ever did me wrong. Family, friends, lovers, nobody was ever safe from the curse of the wrathful boy.
I didn’t know where it came from, but it was just inside of me. Who would have thought the sadness in a child would evolve into an inner violent rage? I wanted to release it so many times, but it was always tranquilized before it could break the limit.
However, it wasn’t without making small cracks in the vessel that held it. Which would play out as small brief moments of lash outs whether it be in words or in physical actions.
It wasn’t me.
I remember the moments in my life where I was ready to let loose the hell that was inside. It was almost as if whenever I was ready to, I would feel fire in my blood. Adrenaline rush, powerful physique even as a slim man, and a reckless mind. I would be unrecognizable to people in the moment. The face full of tears, but then the Anger in the face along with heavy panting.
I needed help. But I had been convinced that nothing was ever wrong with me to begin with. That was the biggest lie I was ever told, which already gave leverage to the rage of the hidden beast. As long as I was convinced nothing was wrong I would never find the true answer to that fatal problem.
I admit, I had dwelled on my past severely & it mentally drained me as I became older. Trauma kept me from feeling older however, & it consistently made me confused mentally on life & choices. The power I possess was misused, & I hurt people that didn’t deserve it.
I had lost the previous love of my life due to the inability to change from my wicked ways. There was no woman in my life that had ever did me wrong. I could not ever figure out where I crossed the line & it was all because I swore in my wicked moments it would all reverse in the end for the better. That I would reverse any pain caused as I’d promise. But I failed.
It was hard living with that. Failing at love & being too ashamed to admit to it. Forcing myself in an isolation as if I could never be part of society. I was always told that I was very different, & then I was always kept told to stay different.
That would play role of a bad thing. Stay different & isolated from the world because you are alone. You have nobody, & nobody has you. Nobody wants you because nobody knows you. Nobody likes you because you don’t like yourself. It was all a curse. The more I kept thinking like that, the more the inner rage would increase for the day of reckoning.
I couldn’t cry whenever I wanted to. No matter how much I forced myself to try, I failed. It was like I became too tough to even cry because nothing but inner anger & hatred was above the sadness.
Yet towards the ending months of 2020, I had done it. I had gone through a phase of revelations to release the inner anger as tears that I tried to release within 3 years prior of suffering in silence. I cried so much when I was putting the missing pieces of my past together. And I cried when I discovered how long I had dwelled on the past that made me forget about so many good things about me, my family, my life & all for me to always think my life was nothing but pain & suffering. I had to finally flip the switch on to see.
It was like I was born in the shadows. Despite having so much family for support & love, I was always bound to be a dark child first. It wasn’t their faults to why I was naturally dark, but I found that it was something that was destined for me to later discover how to balance & control it rather that be fully consumed by it. Thanks be to the Lord that is, because I already felt what it is capable of doing.
I no longer see myself as that little child anymore. Nor do I see myself as still a high school adolescent.
It is time for the uprising.