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Come clean #politicallyincorrect

I am distracted as I sip my macchiato at BNP’s work café. The Wizard has floated up quite discreetly and has joined me in my booth. His ears twitch as he assess my mood.

“Hmmm hmmm hmmm,” I blow my coffee absent mindedly wondering how I can word what is going on in my mind. “It has been several times in the past few weeks now that the Knave of Hearts’ name has been mentioned in meetings. I hope they’re not bringing him back.”

“Wait and see,” the Wizard smiles at me keeping his keen blue eyes locked on my body language.

“So men are penis driven,” I repeat after him. “Why would that stop him from wanting to see his son? And I am really still very desirable. Hmmm strange.”

“Questions I can’t answer,” the Wizard tells me softly.

“Stranger still,” I look at him in surprise. The Wizard knows everything surely. “Why can’t you answer it?”

“Desire is in the eye of the beholder,” the Wizard looks at me amused. “I can’t speak for others. What are you thinking?”

“I don’t understand how he could not be thinking about little Willem,” I open up to him. “Why doesn’t he feel the pull to see and hold his son. I am not sure what I would feel if I saw him again. Or what I should feel. I didn’t like him ignoring me. He’s been ignoring me for the past 2 years now. No reason that would change if he came back. And what if he comes back and in the meantime he is married with children? How will I feel then? Will Willem never see his father? Will he never know him? And what about Wim? Wim is being a fine father figure for Willem. Maybe better than the Knave of Hearts ever could have been. I always had visions of the Knave of Hearts playing and spoiling the little boy. I don’t understand why that’s not happening. I also don’t understand why I still feel so confused and attracted and angry. Well no yes, I understand why I am angry and hurt.” I let out a deep sigh at the tangle of my very politically incorrect thoughts. “Strange… Maybe they’re not bringing him back and it’s just a big coincidence that the boss and others have mentioned him several times now. Just a coincidence. Nothing will happen.”

“I see the pattern of your thoughts is still the same,” the Wizard tells me disgruntled. “I understand you always only think about yourself. I have to point out, you are not the center of the universe. You don’t have the power to control or change other people’s lives to suit your need. The Knave of Hearts rejected you completely as someone untestable and a liar by your own doing and now you think after two years he must repent and forget what you did. Children suffer for the wind of their parents.”

I laugh as the Wizard’s cloud had started making little jolty movements. The Wizard corrects himself very annoyed by the incidence as he pats the cloud repeatedly with his back paw. “Oh this cloud. Untrustable. He rejected you as someone untrustable. And kids suffer for the sins of their parents.”

“I understood,” I laugh playingly at his discomfort. “And I am sorry for Willem. I don’t agree though. I rejected the Knave of Hearts because he did nothing, always arrived late in the evening, and the only thing he wanted to do was go out dancing. We had an argument once and he stormed out leaving me pregnant and to beg for him to come back. He was no husband or farther material. I chose what was best for me and all three of my kids. Winston and Lilly both told me they didn’t like him. Those are all red flags that count. I know it was a terrible lie and it was designed to be one. I think I did my best at making sure that he would never come back. I cried and begged and made it all very unappealing. While inside I wasn’t that bothered at all. It’s all very strange I know. I still believe my subconscious picked up on something and wanted him out.”

“Well what ever happened happened,” the Wizard advises me to let bigons be bigons. “Let it go. Have a good cry and blow your nose. William will grow up anyway and be who he will just the same. Stop worrying about it. Job well done.”

“Okay Willem is doing fantastic,” I smile at him and blow him a kiss back as he floats discreetly through the window.

* Disclaimer : Any resemblance between the fictional characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle by chance more than by choice.

This post first appeared on Single Mom Travels For Yoga, please read the originial post: here

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Come clean #politicallyincorrect


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