After our heated argument over the telephone, I went down to Dorothy’s place where I knew I could find her and we confronted each other. We came to some kind of consensus because she laughed at me and noted that we were arguing like real sisters do.
“Good morning.” I say to Dorothy over the phone as I do my best to add some cheer to my voice.
“Good morning.” Dorothy replies. “How was your weekend? Are we meeting tonight? Tomorrow night is not possible. Wednesday could be but after 9.15 pm.”
“Tonight would be best.” I tell her. “I’d like to go yoga on Wednesday. And I have a coaching call tomorrow evening. How are you getting to my place?”
“On foot I guess.” Dorothy teases me. “Is there a bus?”
“Noooo.” I exclaim. I mean for sure, it’s not the first time she’s been over to my place. “So you wont make it…”
“Wim will fetch me.” Dorothy continues to play me.
“No seriously, I’d like to know.” I insist with certain irritation creeping up on me.
“By car.” Dorothy finally admits.
“If you’re not coming I’lll go to yoga.” I let Dorothy know I have other options too. “You’re coming or not?”
“9.30” Dorothy answers coolly.
“Ok.” I answer rather unsure of the whole deal.
“You have a baby sitter?” Dorothy wants to know.
“Yes and no.” I reply because getting a babysitter or not will actually depend on the plans I am trying to make for the evening.
“I see. Ok what time is yoga just out of interest?” Dorothy asks me. And with that question I already know she is going to stand me up.
“8:30 till 9:30.” I answer reluctantly.
“Go and I will see you afterwards.” Is Dorothy’s reply, which for me translates into getting me to go to yoga so that at least I haven’t cancelled my favourite activity only to be stood up by my best friend.
“Ok.” I am sulking now. “So you’re not coming. I hate being played and I hate being used. Or should I just say I don’t like it.”
“I won’t be there before 9.30.” Dorothy replies ignoring what I just said.
“Ok.” I say and I’m really not OK with the entire situation anymore. “So you’re really looking forward to seeing me?”
“What do you think?” Dorothy evades my question again.
“No. I’m complaining too much and being negative.” I tell her to truth.
“What happened? Was it a difficult weekend?” Dorothy picks up on my mood. Finally.
“I love my kids but adult conversation would be nice.” I tell her reproachfully as I already know I won’t be getting any this evening either. “I’m lonely, have no more friends. And no money.”
“Where did they all go?” Dorothy enquires nonchalantly.
“Nisha used me and then discarded me.” I start out. “Suzi the same. Buidi can’t understand that plans change when you have 3 kids.”
“I see.” Dorothy confirms she’s hearing me.
“Marta used me and discarded me.” I go on. “Gaelle and I had a fight because I’m not spiritual.”
“Is there a pattern developing?” Dorothy throws at me.
“And the others I see from time to time.” I complain. “Yes I push people away. Or I first let them walk all over me. I’m always very happy to see a friendly face.”
“Kinky.” Dorothy replies inappropriately.
“Nooooo!” I wail at her stupid remark. “Wim won’t see me on kids weekend. This sucks.”
“Why won’t Wim see you on kids weekend? Do his boys not take to you?” Dorothy knows how to pick out the parts which hurt the most.
“No they don’t.” I admit with a pang of pain in my stomach. “Not since I had Willem.”
“That’s a problem.” Dorothy points out the obvious.
“It is.” I sigh. “Wim doesn’t seem to think so. Or he doesn’t want to hear it or talk about it.”
“What are you going to do to solve the problem?” Dorothy coaxes me.
“I don’t know.” Here we go again. Dorothy pushing me to fix things I don’t know how to fix in the first place. “Learn to be happy with my kids. Lead my own life.”
“What coaching course are you busy with?” Dorothy is interested in this topic I know.
“Deepak Chopra.” I reply and I’m sure I’ve already told her this. “It’s useless. I’m feeling stuck.”
“Yes it is.” Of course Dorothy is going to find it useless. Typical.
“I want financial freedom.” I remind her of a previous coaching course I did with the Chopra Centre and absolutely loved it. “I need new clients.”
“You need to make some changes.” Dorothy tells me.
“New clients aren’t coming.” I wonder why I keep going round and round in circles. “I’m feeling frustrated.”
“You also need to up your game.” Dorothy continues, half ignoring me again.
“And I panic because need money.” I tell her the depths of my dispair. “Yes all nice words. But I don’t know what to do. Don’t know what to do about Wim, his boys, clients or money.”
“Can you face your truths? Or your demons?” Dorothy is going to start pushing my buttons soon and I’m dreading it.
“I feel stuck, useless and hopeless.” I continue undressing my feelings. “Ok hit me then. I can if you tell me clearly what they are. And if you tell me clearly what I should do. Well? Or do you think I’m going to find out for myself and solve it all by myself? All by myself…”
“Hmm let me think.” Dorothy is buying time. “I don’t know everything and can only make assumptions.”
“Ok I’m listening.” And Dorothy has my full attention.
“I will tell you somethings but understand it’s not necessarily the truth.” Dorothy is being cautious around me, and it’s both apprehending me and peaking my interest at the same time.
“Ok.” I answer, for fear of how hard Dorothy is going to hit me with her truth is actually quite strong.
“First Google Analytics is over traded. You need to find the next gap. Data mining comes to mind.” Dorothy sounds all professional now.
“I know nothing about data mining.” I sulk.
“Evolution is very important if you want to stay relevant.” Dorothy reminds me.
“But will look into it.” I conclude.
“Data analysis.” Dorothy continues to lecture me.
“But this will be too late.” I panic again. “I’m going under right now.”
“Not many people in this field.” Dorothy ignores my despair again. “Change comes for two reasons. Desperation and desire.”
“I’m both.” I answer sarcastically.
“Best you get to it immediately.” Dorothy is still ignoring my pessimism.
“And that’s it?” I ask incredulously. I thought she was going to reveal something magical to me. But this is just so mundane. “What else? Thought you were going to tell me I smell or something like that.”
“No. You need to become serious about yourself. Your reputation is very important. Work is work and private is private. Never mix the two.” Dorothy hints back to the last couple of months. “You carry your past touch.”
“Mmmmm like what?” I don’t think I heard her right. “My past touch? Huh? I don’t mix work and private.”
“Too much!” Dorothy shouts down the phone. “Woman are you listening to me?”
“I carry my past too much?” I repeat.
“Yes you do. You offer sexuality sometimes and this adds to gossip about you.” I can’t believe Dorothy just said that.
“I don’t see.” I say and I feel gutted. “I don’t. Never with any of the people I just mentioned.”
“Of course you don’t see. You are inside looking out. Not outside looking in.” Dorothy replies smugly. I’m sure she has ready made sentences lying around somewhere.
“What, I’m hitting on my friends?” I laugh but my voice is angry. “Don’t think so. Really not. You’re biased.”
“With the few you mentioned it would be hard to be sexual with. But they know you. They have an idea of who you are to them.” Dorothy tells me as a warning. “I think you are involved too much with Fiona and not enough with others.”
“Oh yes I’m the sexual addict, the whore, the desperate woman, and the wacko schizo person.” I am really angry and when I am I just throw it all out.
“You exhibit little interest outside yourself. Again I don’t know the truth but I can only make assumptions based on experience and observation.” Dorothy is giving me her view on me and it is one I really don’t like.
“Well I’m glad Suzi and Nisha have buggered off because quite frankly I’ve had enough of people not seeing me for who I am. I show little interest, really?” I continue shouting.
“Is that the best nappy rash and tantrum you can come up with?” Dorothy is really getting at me.
“Get lost, that hurts!” I scream at her.
“Well do you listen to others for longer than five minutes?” Dorothy asks with a tone of accomplishment. “Who is talking about whore etc?”
“After all the Nisha coaching, her website, campaigns, giving her fat clothes… And you’re telling me it’s all about me? Like really?” I have a few dangerous notes creeping up in my voice. “I do listen.”
“I never mentioned that. That shit should be very deeply buried by now.” Dorothy stumbles a little confused.
“Suzi told me you said that.” I confront Dorothy. “I asked Nisha and she didn’t deny it.”
“This is not about Suzi or Nisha. This is about social intelligence.” Dorothy steers away from the accusation.
“Well great.” Again I’m not going to get a confession or an apology am I? “I don’t know what to do. And my situation isn’t looking good. And I don’t have time to start learning stuff.”
“That’s the hard part. You lack long term credibility.” Dorothy throws my way again.
“Yes yes yes.” I’ve had enough of this. “Nobody will help me. This is it. It’s over.”
“As for time, you have it in abundance. 24 hours every day. Just depends on how you use it. Or you can live in the past, look for answers in all the wrong places.” Dorothy goes on to rile me.
“Right.” I’m just blocking out this entire conversation. I will not let it get to me. “I am stressed with seeing to 3 kids all by myself.”
“Soon you will have thrown all your toys out your play pen and then what will you do?” Dorothy mocks me.
“I am sleep deprived.” I plead for some understanding here. “I work my ass off.”
“Excuses.” Dorothy snaps back.
That evening I went to my yoga class and I cried all the way through my session. I cried for having lost two friends who I held dearly. But most of all I shed my tears at the realization that those friends had never been friends. I was feeling used and betrayed. And lonely. Motherhood is very lonely.
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