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I’m never sure what you and life are up to

The not knowing

We used to drink to that

Celebrate never knowing anything

Together. Every night and the one before last

I can’t handle my alcohol right now

Since we don’t laugh like we used to

I hardly know you

I haven’t seen you in a long ass time

I’ve sat and counted just how many times that it’s been

I’m ashamed  I could only count to one

One time too few

My new friends think I’m out getting Drunk with them

But, no I just miss you

The sting of the shots

Compliments from those tiny glasses adding up

Don’t bother me enough

It’s worse when I’m sober

I hate my thoughts and the thought of you not being in them

I never assumed we’d become the friends

To end up asking, “Hey how are you?”

Only once in a while. Out of the blue.

Make a phone call a time or two

Only maybe when we’re bored

Which is crazy

Cuz’ I remember when I was there

When your true loved turned out to just be a Stupid whore

I wouldn’t be here today

Living. Breathing. Thinking the way I do.

If I never knew you

I know things aren’t the same

They never will be

Tomorrow or forever

That strains my eyes open at night

I lay awake wishing that we could actually fight

Hoping it bothers you like it’s supposed to be

But, I don’t think It does

I never hear from you and that fucking kills me

There’s so many memories to sort through

To figure out which ones I want to hold onto

I remember when I broke your finger with my screen door

The one of many times

When we got too drunk before work and inebriated became part of our uniform

And when you almost died from alcohol poisoning on that frat house floor

When we got arrested

That rattled our friendship at the core

I never felt so fucked over before

There’s a lot in here that I don’t want anymore

Like when you ditched me for loving her because she said so

Then she left you for Mr. Better

Doing to you what you had just done to me

Yeah we were stupid

But, at least we were something

Anything. Somebody.

Committing all the acts of stupid that we wanted

Better than today where everyone

Is walking around with a mask, all confused

At least back then I knew

I think I hate Growing up so much because I spend half of it missing you

It’s not the growing old part, It’s the growing without that gets me

You knew me

Before the bills meant something to us

When your parents advice sounded similar to nonsense

When your jeep was my second home

When being poor forced us to use the change in your cup holder

In order to pay for gas to get to nowhere

I don’t like to admit it

But, everything my mom had said back then

Makes complete sense now

I just miss you

I miss our nonsense.

I regret the years we can’t get back

I hate the reasons for my headaches today

I wish ibuprofen made friendships feel better

Like it was somehow able to fix feelings and make this go away

The throbbing regret in my head after too many days

The dizzy spins of what used to be

Not lose it all to bullshit and white lies

Your shitty selection of girlfriends all the time

I know you lost pieces of yourself every time

It wasn’t a lot at once but that shit adds up

I know you’re not okay

Do you know what a smile is these days?

I’m upset that we have to deal

With these never supposed to happen type of things

I went through everything with you

Everything that mattered

When life cut all my heartstrings apart

The jagged,dull and painful parts

Just being twisted and bloodying my inner thoughts

You were always there for those times

I needed my best friend back then

For that abortion during my senior year

I needed help dealing with the consequences

Of my parents not being in love again

Constantly coming to a broken home

To eat another shitty microwaved meal alone

All my problems confessed themselves to you

Then we’d get drunk and laugh at them

Finding more answers at the bottom

Of the cardboard case of cheap disgusting beer

In your front seat sitting next to our best years

Than I ever did at community college. I wasted another year.

It’s been 3 more since I’ve seen the last shred of real you

I had seen you once last year but I refuse to count that

The girl on your arm currently, stole that

It’s funny how she has cheated all the happy from you

You never admit it though since you’ve forgotten what it actually is

It’s impossible to lose something she never showed you

You weren’t my brother by traditional definition

Fuck traditional.

Fuck definitions.

The sibling I do have is more lifeless than an inanimate object

That I’m simply done trying to understand

The best part about you was that I got to be everything that I am

I miss you, man.

This post first appeared on Too Grand Of A Scene, please read the originial post: here

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