firstly i want to say a few things before hand. Firstly i am safe, i have not thought of suicide for some months okay and my mental health is stable. Also I'm writing those for awareness and not for attention. I base this is off my own experiences and everything I know about suicide, this may cause you to think differently of me but that's ok.
Suicide. Killing yourself. That’s what I want to talk about. It’s a highly stigmatized topic, and humans tend to go one of two ways when confronted with it. Its one that we struggle to find the words for and fail to comprehend what could of drove people to breaking point. Passively vs actively suicidal is something in which not I didn't know existed into a few months ago. For the last 2 years of my life I have battled depression and it quickly turned my mind into a black hole. One in which the only way I could get out was by killing myself. However I was passively suicidal. The real difference between the two is passively suicidal means you wish to die. Actively suicidal means your planning on going through with the plan.
Most mornings I would wake up and sigh because it was another day existing when I didn't want to be. I would make my way to school but when I used to watch people drive by on their way to work, that if by chance that if a car hit me then it would't bother me. I wouldn't be afraid of death and I would have to suffer anymore.I would put a smile on when I all I wanted to do was cry. Don't get me wrong life would be okay sometimes, in fact life could be beautiful. Some days I could get out of bed more easily, and go on days out with my friends but then quickly I went back down that black hole and I would be sitting on my bed in tears just wishing I had the courage to pick up those pills. I would beat myself up for saying something wrong, or replaying scenerious from that day and my mind would somehow twist them. It left me feeling worthless, empty, afraid and quite honestly terrified of myself and sometimes it was easier to give in because I couldn't find the strength to battle with them.
I remember sitting in therapy each week and staring at the box that asked: Have you thought that you'd be better off dead or hurting yourself in some way? and ticking yes and have to go through the lengthy explanation of trying to explain that I feel suicidal but yet being terrified of the prospect of death.
But on those days where depression suddenly comes out from nowhere and chains me to my bed those are the days in which I sit there with my coffee. I talk to people about how I am feeling. I wear baggy trousers and watch all the films in which I never got round to and I survive. However, by journey has been a far from smooth. But it now means that I've been 6 months without antidepressants, it's meant that I no longer to see my therapist, Its meant that I can hold a job down, and Im starting to venture the world. Most of all it's let me meet incredible people and ones that I know on my bad days will hold me down and brave the storm with me and keep myself safe.
I never thought I would of survived those suicidal moments but I did and so will you.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
