im not the same person i once was.

17 years ago i was a innocent young child who wanted nothing more than just to play with my parents.
10 years ago i was sitting in school and being fascinated to learn.
5 years ago i was going on amazing holidays and living my life.
2 years ago i was diagnosed with depression.

you see everyone keeps saying 'i wish you were the person you once was'. but im not. i grew up and i went where life took me. events happened and i feel into depression and i feel deeper and deeper into such a dark hole that i never saw a way out of. I got to a stage where i was suicidal and i wanted to die so badly, i went to see so many mental health professionals who all just passed me off to the next person and quite honestly i was just lost in life.

at an early age i set my heart on becoming a doctor.
i wanted to help the sick.

i learnt that standing on my own feet in the outside world was harder than it look. that a little bump could set me back so far. it was more than a bump to me it felt like the world was coming down on me and depression was a recurring nightmare. but i was grateful enough to have the family and friends i have to realise that i needed help and that i was far from being okay.

at my first therapy session i was asked if i ever wanted to get better.
although i said yes physically my mind was shouting at me now.

hours of therapy later and hours of crying and maybe i haven't moved mountains but ive gone somewhere. ive released that my flaws can work in my advantage. maybe i care far to much and get severely attached to people but that allows me to meet amazing people and share other people. that allows me to care for my grandad when he was in his final days. that allows me to set up this blog and just write because that's where i belong.

i survived my worst days.

even just sitting here and writing this takes a lot because of me letting other people in is the hardest thing in the world. you see that's one of the lies that mental illness tells you: that you have to face everything alone and your not worthy of help. i struggled a long time to except messages commenting that im inspirational, that im beautiful, that i am the reason why other people are still standing. and i will admit its so hard to take in because this is just my life. my recovery. on every bad day i have i look back on messages people have sent me and maybe my mind can't process it but its a small step. its a bigger step than giving into depression and diving deeper into a never ending black hole.

for me blogging is a major bit of rebuilding my life.

its a new life and yes its scary because im walking into the unknown but that's the most exciting part. i get to decide what happens next in my life.  the past is not something i can change but the future is. in my journey in mental health i have found that writing is just my home, the place i feel safest and a place where i can feel proud of everything i have achieved. and we all have that place we just have to discover it.

im finding me.

im now vegan and i dedicate my life basically to volunteering.
im in a totally now environment  of friends.
i value the time i spend with my family.
i blog.
im looking at studying journalism and university next year.

honestly the prospect of it all is so exciting and yes i do wonder if i will ever achieve it with my current state of mental health but throughout everything and even the worst moments where suicide seemed like my only opinion ive kept faith in the world.

ive come to find that im hundreds of times stronger than i will believe.
ive come to find the proudest moments in my recovery.
ive come to find that relapse is not worth it.

im not fully recovered, in fact im far from it. i used to tell myself that i didn't need help because there are people were more ill. but the reality is that a lot of us struggle and that's okay but its how we build ourselves up after.  i still sit there week after week in front of my therapist telling her i want to die but maybe small steps in the long run are big steps.

"even if you've tried 100 times and still failed try 101"