today. today i woke up and i looked in the mirror and i felt disgusted in myself. I saw that my thighs didn't touched and that i wasn't size 6. that i was bloated from eating. that i have the desire to be thin. now let me state this clearly: i have never or nor have an eating disorder, i think its just so easy for us now to declare ourselves 'fat' and strive to look like that girl who looks perfect. so i made myself a lame breakfast and i set out with a smile on my face, relying on antidepressant to make me at all sane and went out shopping with my mum.
you see, ive always thought that anything above size 8 means that your are not perfect. that a world of numbers truly did exist. but what hurt is when my online order came through. they claimed it was size 10 but i barely even fit in it. my initial reaction was that this is all the food ive eaten recently, what if i just get bigger and bigger until im clinically obese. but i sat down on the internet and i looked at pro-ana websites. and i can truly say i was horrified, girls and boys down to their bones, purging in toilets. just the extreme graphics of anorexia, bulimia etc. i realized i don't want this to be me so i put on "starving in suburbia". i can truly say i have never cried so much. just to see someone self-destruct in such a horrific way was horrifying but it taught me something. that im luckily to be alive. i have lost many friends to Mental Illness because for them it got so strong and out of control and they lost their life, and that not something i will ever truly come to terms with. that such horrible illnesses even exist.
so here's what i did i went and made myself an extra large cup of tea and searched for 'beautfil is my body'
online. I sat there in a new top, and yes it was size ten. i realized i wasn't fat but just that everyone perceive sizes different. i could be a size 4 in one item or size 16 in another, but its irrelevant because its just clothes. i released that weight was irrelevant because i have a life ahead to live and this was just mental illness trying to drag me into something dangerous and that i was more than that. i was worth more than peoples dirty looks or comments of labeling me fat or a lil chubby. even if they care, i don't and never again will i ever care. Im happy being me, im healthy and i have an amazing prospect in life ahead if i chose to fight and live it.I know that every bite of food i take will allow me to do amazing things, like be able to go out on amazing walks for days with my friends, do sleep under the stars. to build a family. to change a thing or two in the world, because believe it or not the truth is that the world is not a series of numbers. yes you can think that but what kind of quality of life is that? perfection dosent really exist, it only happens when you finally are stronger than whatever you are facing. so yes i will sit here after i have sat round the table with my family with a glass of wine in my hand and dedicate this one to a wonderful life. we all have imperfections but we also do have perfections and at the end of the day everything that could be perceived as a fault is what makes me Sarah. i am Sarah, the girl who spends hours writing blogs to make other people's days a little brighter. the girl yesterday who felt remotely happy and faced life head on. the girl who is dedicated to recovery. what makes me the person i am today.
that mirror does not define me and nor does it define you. you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are enough for yourself and that's all that matters. you don't need to change yourself in any way to impress anyone, the real you is important and its magical because its your home. its the one possession that will never go away ever. the world is a beautiful place full of amazing people, amazing moments about to happen.
so i will sit here and i will embrace my body. rolls aren't just for cinnamon, scales arnt a object of self worth. self worth comes from confidence. i stand here and say that self destruction is no answer for your problems. look after yourself, reach out to your Family
and friends (my door is always open to any person who ever wants to talk), choose recovery, fall in love for who you are and not for who you want to be. but most importantly chose life. suicide may stop pain but it also stops the chance of anything ever getting any better.
like wildflowers; you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people though you never would.
learn to love yourself.