I find myself Confused at times. Trying to steer my way through the cosmos. There has to be more to life than just being alone. Constantly alone. At times I find myself gazing at the stars on distant planets as if I am searching for him. Waiting out in the darkness, alone. How could you have been so cruel to leave me while I slept? There was no goodbye, only waking up with no one there. Do I miss you? Do I crave you? Those feelings are somewhat fleeting now. I used to miss you like the earth would miss the sun if she disappeared. My stomach would ache and I would double over from the fiery pain you caused. But now, I learned to be alone. To eat alone. To dance alone. To be on my own.

Water never satisfied me until you Left. The incredible sensation that water creates as it flows over my taste buds and down my throat, is better than your lips. Better than your tongue. Walking around the town I live in without you is liberating. My feet take me wherever I choose to go, my soul follows and smiles. How have I found a sense of happiness without you? How am I actually happy on my own? Entirely on my own. Maybe it wasn’t you who left me. Maybe it was I that left you. In a crowded, vegan restaurant I ponder to myself, did I make this happen? Did I leave you? Did you wake up on a soft, warm mattress and discover no one lying next to you? Do you miss me? Do you crave me? Are those feelings flooding your heart and drowning it? Have I killed the very man I once thought destroyed me? 

We have to move on from the traumatic Love we had for each other. The people who brought us into the world didn’t give us much knowledge when it comes to love. They didn’t give us a proper education on how to love correctly. You were a fire starter and I had a match. We lit the house we built together on fire. We destroyed the foundation we clumsily put together. There is no question that we were awful for each other. You, a Taurus who bored me and cut me with your horns. I, an Aquarius who poured boiling water onto your head while you called me crazy. After every single fight, we believed we loved each other. We believed we fit together so perfectly like we weren’t two completely different puzzles that we are. Who were we to question and oppose the natural order of the universe? The order that ultimately tore us apart. 

So yes, I find myself confused at times. I often stare into the night sky wondering if you are doing the same. But now, I don’t wonder what we would be if I hadn’t left. Because now I am free of it all. I am free to begin the life I was meant for. Finally, it is time to fly. And now, I can fly free.