One of my favorite laugh-out-loud ones is #6!
1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you‘re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you‘re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you
repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they‘re
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they‘re a doggie toy isn’t.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you‘re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you‘re going to be that aggressive, just ask
to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
not a kid’s toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there
you‘re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you‘re not careful, it can hurt - so don’t get carried
away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her
and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You‘re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
is pump away like an industrial power tool - she’ll soon feel like an
assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,
clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,
the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina.
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you‘re playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don’t know, don’t ask
23) Performing Oral Sex TOO GENTLY.
Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes
When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don’t grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over
In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being
is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the
show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a
gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they
a prostate. Women don’t.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line.
she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a
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