What Long Stories You Tell, Grandma
Penciller:V. Ken Marion
Inkers:Paul Neary and Dexter Vines
On Sale Date: January 25, 2017
**NON SPOILERS AND SCORE AT THE BOTTOM**
Now that the whole business with Larfleeze and Brainiac is done—for the moment—let’s check in on those ring-slinging wing-dings in my review of Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #13! Right here!
So we open the issue on…hmm…I don’t see Hal. I don’t see the Green Lantern Corps. I don’t even see the Sinestro Corps or Kyle Rayner. What I do see, thanks to some poorly-colored captions, is that we’re still in Space Sector 2813, on planet flipping Xudar, where we’ve been hanging out for the last six ding-dong issues. Oh sure, part of it was shrunk and jammed into one of Brainiac’s city jars, but it’s pretty much been Xudar, Xudar, Xudar for the three months. I feel just as trapped as the citizens. And it’s not even the Xudar we’ve been seeing, but one sixty years into the future, when the orange people have jetpacks. Or maybe they always had jetpacks? Who can tell? Our story centers on a Xudarian family scene: grandma and grandpa are hosting their grandchildren, and it’s bedtime. They petition grandma for a story, so she decides to tell them a story which with we are very familiar.
BECAUSE IT’S LITERALLY A RECAP OF THE LAST FIVE ISSUES. Told from the Xudarians’ point of view, of course, but still. It tells us nothing we didn’t know already. Then she goes on to talk about the other exploits of the Green Lantern Corps and the supporting ring-wielders—you know, the thing we’ve been hoping to get for twelve issues? Grandma eludes to future conflicts against a Sinestro Corps-looking Xudarian and the reappearance of Evil Star. We see a couple more familiar faces, then a double-page spread showing dozens of Power Ring type rings rushing towards the reader—man I would love to read this story! Then it looks like there might be a re-hash of the Lanterns War down the line. But we won’t know for a long time, if ever, because this is just a stupid story told by a dumb grandma who turns out to have been a Green Lantern all along. Whoop-de-doo.
This issue is what I would call “le rip-off,” and the only thing keeping me from giving it a Fuck You 5 is the art. I really like how V. Ken Marion is drawing these Lanterns. I even like his renderings of the futuristic Xudarian city. But this story is absolute bullshit, this book hasn’t earned the right to do what is essentially a teaser clip show. I like that we are getting these one-off issues in between story arcs, and I definitely encourage shorter arcs with more standalone issues. But a comic book about a story referencing a Lantern Corps that we barely even know is like someone telling you about the DVD commentary track of a movie you haven’t yet seen. Let’s get to the goddamned point.
Bits and Pieces:
We take a break in the action for some unearned teasing and boredom. Nice visuals, irritating tale. This story should have been moved to the title Meandering Tales About the Green Lantern Corps. Hopefully due out never.