President Trump has signed an executive order moving the International Dateline thousand of miles to the east so Americans can be first up in the morning.
Currently running in a zigzaggedly vertical line down the Pacific Ocean, the new Dateline will instead pass through Mar a Lago, the President’s weekend palace nestled in Florida swampland.
Greenwich Mean Time will also be abolished, with TT, or Trump Time, becoming the standard time against which all the other time zones in the world are referenced.
“America is the greatest country in the entire history of the world,” Mr Trump tweeted. “We have always been the best, and a great leader. The greatest leader there’s ever been. So we’re going be first, every day.”
“I’ve always said you have to get up very early to fool me,” the President continued. “Now that’s going to be even more harder.”
Residents in New Zealand, previously the first people to see the sun every day, have been advised to put their clocks back, to 1964 when things were nice