At this point in time I have no dreams or Aspirations. I say at this point because nothing is entirely impossible yet there is nothing more pitiful than desiring to have desires. Just existing would be selfish and admitting that you have no ambition or drive is kind of embarrassing.

I get tired of imagining realities that don’t exist, if I’m being quite honest. Humans have become obsessed with all the progressiveness that productivity promises, that and comfort have only ever been illusions. Things to keep us busy. Ideas to protect us from uncomfortable truths.

I sometimes look at old calendars and wonder how I got through so many so many days. It’s exhausting and sometimes embarrassing to think about trying so hard.

I never know If I’m depressed or just seeing things for what they actually are. You can’t negate the fact that nobody knows what the fuck is actually going on and it’s hard to tell if anybody is perpetually disturbed by that fact.

Maybe whoever created this shit hired actors. I’ve tried becoming the main character and then I wonder who the fuck would watch this shit. Why must we continuously make ourselves interesting, doesn’t interest stem from other people being relatively boring. Why do aspirations have to be so large scale? Is it because no one would want to watch me take a shower at 3 pm. I mean sure, mediocrity isn’t stimulating and people want something to talk about. I think it all comes down to ego, like what is a humble brag.

I wish I could renegotiate parts of my social contract. Capitalism to survive would go first then potentially my participation in the first place.