This week’s news has the White House saying that miners (people who dig stuff up out of the ground, not people who are children) don’t watch public television (PBS). Thus, they are proposing to eliminate federal funds for PBS. I figured that there must be a “Miners for Public Television” advocacy group. So I googled it. No “Miners for Public Television” or even “Miners for PBS.” So, the White House must be right. What else are they right about? I decided to Google some phrases to find out….
- “People think Trump has small hands” gets zero results. Therefore, people think he has big hands.
- Also, no hits for “People like Hillary better than Donald.” You’re on a roll, Donny!
- “People think Donald Trump is stupid”: According to Google, as of March 16, 2017, only 4 people think this.
- Finally, 155,000 hits for “Donald Trump is the best president ever.”
So, the White House can rest easy. I decided to continue my search for truth on the internet, and this is what I discovered:
- “Pork tastes better than human flesh” gets no hits. No surprise there.
- “Human flesh tastes better than pork” gets 5 hits. So, there’s yer proof right there.
- “Baskin Robbins ice cream tastes like cabbage”: no results.
- But the world is on this problem – “cabbage flavored ice cream” gets 105 hits.
- “I had sex with a penguin” gets as many results as “I had sex with a human” (5).
- Yet, “I had sex with a dolphin” receives a full 3,560,000 hits. This spells disaster for both of our species.
What else are people thinking and writing about online? Here are a few unexpected results:
- “Give me back my head”: 1,620,000 results. Clearly a big problem we need to address.
- “Toes are people too”: 35,800 hits.
- “Sand is angry”: 62,700 hits.
- “I will be popcorn”: 7 results.
One more bit of information. When you spend even 5 minutes typing things like “Toes are people too” into Google’s search bar, Google comes back at you with a series of tests to see if you’re a real person or a robot. So that begs the question… why are robots typing nonsensical phrases into Google search bars? I think I’ll ask Google… no results.
Click this flower to find out what things have never been asked out loud i the history of the world: