I am now a truly free man.
When Kellyanne Conway spoke those two words last week it was as though she were old Abe Lincoln speaking the words from the Emancipation Proclamation.
The shackles that bound me have been shattered by my newfound belief in Alternative Facts.
No longer must I be held prisoner to the confines of truth or reality. Facts are now what I want them to be. The world now looks like I feel it should despite any and all evidence to the contrary you might try to put before me.
Gone is the boring concept of a fact only existing in one dimension. Now we have choices– good , better, and best facts. These facts are mine which means they are the best facts.
Believe me. It’s true.
So, I have therefore decided that I must enlighten the public as to what is really what. Today begins what will be a series of Alternative Facts. If you’re anything like Sean Spicer, you most likely believe that you know these already.
Today’s Alternative Fact:
The Maine Coon Cat is the Largest Animal in North America.
You probably thought it was some loser bison, moose or bear. Duh…
I mean, come on, just look at the picture! I normally don’t trust photos ( look at how all of those news and governmental agencies cropped out the many, many millions of the best Americans who packed the Mall on Inauguration Day!) but in my judgment– and it is factually the best judgment– anyone can see that this is a real photo.
See, the sky is blue. It’s got to be real.
I have had people tell me– I know for a fact that Bernhard Langer saw it firsthand–that there are gangs of these nasty cats roaming the streets in and around Bangor, Maine. It’s a hellscape up there. They tell me there is a million, maybe a million and a half of these monsters terrorizing the good people, batting cars off the roads like throw toys and devouring school children at bus stops.
Maine Coon Carnage! It’s true. I have been told by people who would know that they may send in the feds.
This is a fact. You might try to call me a liar but that just shows how ignorant you are– Liar is not even a real word! That’s another fact! So this has been a two-fer.