A while back, I wrote about my struggle to fit in around people/groups which you can find here on THE STRUGGLE TO FIT IN: HOW I FAILED. I never really finished that discussion because I still have a lot of unfinished things to address; but all in due time.
I’ve come to that point in my life where I no longer care about being left out of things or feeling invisible around people. I’ve always had a hard time making friends like most people do or connecting with people, keeping conversations or even starting one. As a child (that sounds funny) I was a bit anti social; or shy. I wasn’t good at making friends, and I barely had any. It was difficult seeing my sister’s friends come over to visit while I had none. Strangely, my diary became my best friend.
I have to admit that at some point, I tried my very best to fit. I wanted everyone to like me, I wanted to make lots of friends, and I cared about what people said. I was bullied most of the time, as well as insulted (what we call verbal abuse) by most of my class mates. Sometimes I’d try to stand my ground, but I couldn’t, so I put up with it every time. My mission was to make friends and stop being the weird, quiet one. It got to the point where I would sometimes apologize to someone even when they were at fault for insulting me or something else; I didn’t want to lose any of my friends who I thought were my “friends.” Little by little, I started setting boundaries; although I would abandon it and go back to being myself. I tried to get into group stuff only to be made fun of but I took it as a joke sometimes.
Long story short, because I hate long stories. Now, I don’t even care about losing friends. Friendship for me is like a word, and just like any word, it can be erased. I still find it difficult to talk to strangers; during my first year at uni, I didn’t have any friend. I don’t have a problem talking to someone if they try first; but sometimes I tune out and people think I’m a snub; or just too quiet and weird. I realised that caring about what people said and trying to fit in was pointless. Now, I stand by my own beliefs and I don’t let people influence me. I don’t care about being left out of things anymore as it happens a lot, I don’t care about being seen as a strange person, being criticized, or not having any friend at all. I don’t even let someone talk to me the way they want just because they feel like they “know me“. I just do what I feel it best for me and what I like. I just feel like when you go through a lot of things and you have to pretend like everything’s great, it affects you at some point and nothing remains the same. But at the end of it all, putting yourself first, setting boundaries, and standing firm is what’s important. People will always be who/what they are, but it’s never right to give someone the power to hurt you. Am I anti social? Weird? Strange? Maybe. But do I care? No! In the end, I’ll probably be by myself anyway.
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