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Self analogy

1.13am:


There's little time left till the year ended for me to regenerate myself even more. It's been a surprisingly joy ride, considering the times I've allowed myself to take unscheduled and unnecessary naps. Thanks for the total lack of creativity and logic Jennifer. I seriously salute your lazy behaviour, it has gone up to a whole new level. And in a few more days, it'll be considered six months into quitting the Cisco job. In a few more days, it'll be my official first year back into my studies. Also in a few more days, whatever I post today will be redundant, because that's the time when I try to purge negativity and start a brand new year again. Mom always nag about how much time we've wasted since my recovery, and god it's been a solid four years. About time I start reconsider the posssibilities in life. 

I bet y'all didn't know I had made three plans over the years. First was set in mind during secondary school days, when my eating disorder was nigh and the initial plan was to lose as much weight as possible. Didn't consider the possibility of death because who cares, I sold my soul to the voices lurking inside my head and it was the price to pay. Then came the recovery period, when I remembered telling people that i want to inspire people. I.e to help the girls whom is/were going through the same phase. It did somehow work out though, as I could recall reminding girls to stay fighting in a battle that is invisible to the public eye. Until today, I'm laying on my bed feeling embarrassed from this self reflection moment. Look at how disruptive my life has become, drinking, smoking and procrastinating away. Not gonna lie but I failed my exams badly and I truly understand why. Went for the second retest and came out as disappointed as I was during the first attempt. 

Let's be honest here, I wanted to commit suicide last Friday. I felt the sudden urge, you know, tears were streaming down my face while I was on the way to school in an uber. I couldn't work out what happened or what causes the tears but I was downright unhappy. Began searching for ways to die and found anesthesics available for sale in India. That was stupid btw but I just kept googling for sleeping pills and ways to die. I didn't had the courage to jump off from the building because I'm scared. I meant I'm not afraid of dying,pink Floyd once said we all gotta go sometime, I'm scared because I still hold the Hope for survival. You see.. Sucidal thoughts come and go, that's what depression is made out of, they steal all your hopes and faith and replaces them with negative words and actions. Thus making one unstable, but you see it's just unstability, you can choose to fall or you could choose to balance yourself, like the swing. If one hold on to the rope attached to the swing,mno matter how much damage/abrasion your hand gets from holding on too long, you managed to balance yourself. Why? So that you wouldn't fall off the swing and hurt yourself more.

Fighting is hard, we give up because we know that throughout life, it's all about fighting, for strength, courage, examinations, love, money etc etc . Believe me I could choose to hide if I wanted to and move on to a harder level since that's what I always do. But ill never pass the harder level because I've yet to grasp the basic knowledge of life.

Oh god... All these late night rants gotta go sometime. Was stumbling upon Pinterest when I found a meaningful one.


At times I wonder and look upon God, asking the same questions repeatedly as to why Jennifer have no friends at the moment, and I realised it now. Sometimes keeping distance from people are not necessarily bad, it simply means I'm distancing myself from toxicity, evil souls that have roamed the world freely and in order to protect myself, distancing is solemnly the best. Till I found a virus that can cure those sickness, I shall stay in protocol, I.e the distance.

Sure that fucker had taught me right. Despite her insensible actions and the amount of times it pisses me off, she taught me the vulnerability of bad friendship and discarding them away. For that I truly thank you for the effort. I hate your guts and I hate it when somewhere along the line, you had to step over me. And I absolutely hate God for allowing me to meet toxic people like you. Thus I Pray when the ordeal is over, you could leave me alone forever and stop being the shadow of all causes. 

In gods name we pray, amen. 



This post first appeared on My Recovery, please read the originial post: here

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