How could he even say that?

That I am Blaming my Depression for my actions. That I am making excuses for my actions and not being responsible. That’s not even close to what I am thinking.

I am a mess today.

My therapy session has opened all kinds of feelings, emotions, and who the hell knows what else. And worse, I see the next session as an extension of today. More searching, more questioning. Much more uncomfortableness, if that’s even a word.

Of course, this could mean I am finally getting to the core problems I face, the core emotions I have ignored or pushed aside as unimportant. Using change triangles, I can see the relationship between the event, the feelings it evokes and the core emotion.

“Freedom comes from authenticity with our emotions.”

My therapist said that today and it has got me thinking. Instead of being authentic and acknowledging my emotions, I often defend and inhibit them.

I am still not clear on the actual effects of having a disease, a biochemical disorder called depression.

Today, I thought I could think my way out of depression. After all, I’m smart, I’m goal oriented, I’m driven to succeed, why shouldn’t I be able to lick depression?

Of course, this” shoulda woulda coulda” thinking is what kept me from facing depression for 43+ years.

I’m going need to come back to this.

What’s bugging you today?

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