Well, damn. I never thought much about my swearing but now that we're almost two months into a new year and I'm trying to become a better person, I think it’s time to bite the f**cking bullet and tone down my potty mouth. Why the do I want to stop cussing now, you’re wondering? Because the one day not to long ago, I was listening to a female acquaintance speak and every other word out of her mouth was f&%k and sh$t and DAMN! it didn’t sound good.
I walked away thinking: “Is that what I sound like?” I hope not because holy hell, she sounded like a psychopath. I know I have my crazy moments, but one of the last things I want is to sound like is a psychopath -- so I vow for 2015 that I will curb my cussing.
In case you're wondering why I swear so much, let me start by telling you that I didn’t grow up with adults saying bad words in front of me. I learned a few bad words when I was about 8 and a 12 year old friend gave us younger neighborhood kids a lesson – and not just on the milder stuff. I used never used those words in elementary school or middle school but once I reached tenth grade and started in a new school, that rule went out the f**king window.
In case you're wondering why I swear so much, let me start by telling you that I didn’t grow up with adults saying bad words in front of me. I learned a few bad words when I was about 8 and a 12 year old friend gave us younger neighborhood kids a lesson – and not just on the milder stuff. I used never used those words in elementary school or middle school but once I reached tenth grade and started in a new school, that rule went out the f**king window.
Back then, everyone swore and said the word “Fag.” If you didn’t like someone they were a “fag.” If you had on weird jeans, they were “jeans a fag would wear.” I’m not saying it’s right to use “fag” as a catchall description for anything you believe is old, fat, boring, stupid or ugly. I’m saying that is what we idiot teenagers did in the early 1980s. Everyone else was doing it so I did it too.
I was also small and always the youngest in my class so for a while people assumed I was sweet and complacent and good like the other small, smart girls. Oh, I was small alright, but I was also angry – about all those things teen girls get angry about and then a few more (mainly my home life.) I was also not really interested in complying with what everyone thought I should be. Saying bad words in casual conversation (and out of earshot of the teachers) became my first way of showing my peers I was bigger on the inside.
As I aged into my 20s, I sharpened my tongue a little more as protective armor. “You can’t push this girl around, motherf**kers!” was what I was implying. Never mind the fact that inside, I was the most insecure woman on the Earth. Of course I also enjoyed using swear words for other reasons. They were excellent, cathartic releases for anger, frustration, joy and surprise. Did you know swear words also help us avoid physical violence? Even chimps use gestures and sounds to warn others not to get on their last nerve. Sometimes that’s enough to avoid a physical fight. I’m not talking about the kind of bad words meant to insult others. Just the ones that convey the strongest emotion in a given situation.
Lately though, I’m realizing that I’m no longer fighting that stereotype. I’m almost 50 years old and I don’t need to prove to anyone that I’m tough. It’s not cute if I scream at an a**hole teenage driver speeding through our neighborhood to “slow the f**k down" and I don’t hear anyone laughing when I rant about the s**tty service at the McDonald’s drive thru window -- instead they're probably spitting all over my hamburger. The truth is when I swear now, I sound like a grown-ass woman with no self-control or manners. It's just...not classy.
It’s taken me a long time to realize this, but I just need to be me -- an impatient, hardworking and fairly nice person who may have a few anger issues around a certain time of month. (I am pretty easy to get along with the rest of the time.) And lately, I’m also someone who gets annoyed listening to people who use the word “f**king” before every noun in a sentence -- F**cking dog, f**cking job, f**cking dinner, f**king girlfriend. (*AHEM* group of college-aged boys at the gym every evening around 6 pm.)
So goddamn mother**king s**t, I’m going to have to get this urge to swear out of my system and find a more delicate way to express myself. I’m a writer for f**ck’s sake. Finding new words shouldn't be too hard, right?
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