I go to work and try to suck it up and pretend I am suffering from menstrual cramps. I go through several days of pretending. It is awful. I couldn’t pretend like I wasn’t sick down there. It was obvious from the pace of my walk, my constant fidgeting, the Tylenol popping… that I had ‘female problems’. I felt crazy. When will the Pain go away? Am I supposed to Call Planned Parenthood for advice again so they an tell me, “It depends” or “It varies.”

I wanted answers about the pain. I re-read the paperwork and it sounded like I would need to make a trip to the emergency room just to get a pat on the back and maybe a prescription for more pain meds. I didn’t have blood gushing out or a fever. Why couldn’t someone have prepared me for this before? A warning at least. I tried to find as much information online. At least a statement about the drug that says, “This drug replicates natural childbirth without anasthesia. Proceed with caution.” That’s all I am asking.

I call Planned Parenthood early at 9 a.m. and waited 22 minutes for the receptionist to answer. I get a voice prompt saying I was the 7^th caller on hold. I tell the receptionist I would like to talk to a nurse about the level of pain I am feeling. She asks me, “Didn’t someone already talk to you about that?” Then she regurgitates the information from her checklist (probably the same patient handout they sent me home with) and I say I don’t feel like I am bleeding to death. I add that I haven’t been taking the Tylenol #3 on the dot every 4 hours. She stopped me right there. She said I was supposed to take the medicine before I felt the pain. O.k… even though the doctor was hesitant about me getting the prescription and now it sounds like it was supposed to be protocol? So she said I’ll have a nurse call you back, if not today then tomorrow. Its like they know about this death pain thing and nobody wants to admit it. Grrrr…

I get a call from the nurse at 4:30pm that day, it goes to voicemail since I was in bed doped up and couldnt get up fast eneough to get to my phone. When I call her back I am the 6^th caller in the queue. God help me… My hormones are out of control and I start crying and hang up.  I call back at 5pm, the clinic is closed. The next day, another less friendly-sounding nurse calls, leaves a voicemail to call back (it’s 5:30 pm). Of course I miss the call because with my luck she calls while I am at work and my boss is talking to me. I call back 5 minutes later, the clinic is closed. Just shoot me now.

I try to relax because to my consolation, the pain had been getting less severe for the last 3 days. And by less severe I mean the pain felt manageable with 2 Extra Strength Tylenols every 4 hours and not with my golden supply of Tylenol #3 with codeine.

Tomorrow would be Friday, the anniversary of the day I wish to never live again. It was one whole week later and I still felt like crap. I wish I had never taken these stupid pills.