A few weeks ago, one of my favourite ‘youtubers’, Dodie, raised the issue of oversharing online, especially oversharing Mental Illness symptoms and the thoughts that arise along with them. It had me thinking about how much I share about my own mental illnesses, as someone who has ‘lived’ with the online world since they were at least 10 years old.
Oversharing is something I’ve unfortunately always done well online. All throughout my teen years, every thought was documented on my tumblr, a place I used to call my ‘safe space’. I constantly made posts about my mental illnesses, feeling alone, scared, all the negative symptoms and thoughts that come along with anxiety and depression (that not everyone is necessarily proud to scream to the world). While it did help me connect with others, and feel somewhat less alone, and it’s extremely important to have discussions about mental illness (including all those horrible, shitty symptoms), for someone so young, it was unhealthy. I wasn’t doing it to make others feel less alone, or to ‘raise awareness’, more, I wanted people to notice and give me the attention, kindness and help I craved but was too scared to ask for.
When I was alone crying, panicking, or full of frustration and self hatred, I obviously wasn’t in a clear headspace. I didn’t take a breath, a moment, to analyse what I was saying and if sharing that with a world of strangers would, in the long run, help. It didn’t. In a way, it made me dwell on things more. As Dodie said for her, it became a sort of addiction. Every time I’d make an extremely personal, negative post in the spur of the moment, I’d have someone sending me a kind message making me feel happy (or less of what I had been feeling) for a split second. My brain noticed this, and associated feeling like complete shit and then posting everything online with getting the attention, love and kindness I’d always wanted, so it became a cycle. It started happening more, I started feeling worse overall, and no matter how many kind messages I got, none of my problems were ever dealt with.
I still, to this day, use social media as an outlet. I still post things that are probably too personal, too much in the spur of my darkest moments. But, in general, instead of it being on a completely public platform, I have a very small, private instagram where I let myself get everything out. My closest friends, and people I trust do follow it, but they don’t have to and I don’t want them to if it makes them uncomfortable in any way. I find it’s my way of venting and letting those I care about know how I’m doing, without me directly going to them and maybe bringing all my temporary negativity to their life as well. While I’m sure they wouldn’t mind, and I know they are there for me when I need them, I know most of my feelings and symptoms of mental illness are temporary things, and I don’t want to dwell over them (though, of course, I really appreciate my friends checking up on me).
Usually I don’t get, or expect comments or messages there. Those who like the posts, I’ve noticed, usually just automatically like them, probably without viewing the actual content that comes along with the picture. That’s ok. I physically cannot journal regularly, because my hands get horrible cramps, so making small posts on a tiny, private instagram has been the place for me to release my negativity, discuss my mental illness, progress, and everything I don’t always want the entire world to know.
I’m still someone that is very open about my mental illnesses. It’s not something I feel I should be ashamed of or feel guilty about having, but the world doesn’t need to know every little detail I experience. I don’t need negative energy lurking for me to dwell on, I don’t need validation from others that only momentarily mask my symptoms, I need to vent, and then actually work on my problems in a healthy way…which I also need to work on doing. I’m still finding a balance between sharing parts of myself online, and keeping private things private. Most people are, I think. It’s just more important for people to seek out professional help in moments of crisis, rather than making an angsty post online and hoping others will have the ‘magic’ answer, or kindness that will solve all their issues.
