THAT APPLE SURE LOOKS TASTY

A SILLY VALENTINE’S DAY STORY FROM DIARY OF A MAD GEN YER

I’M JUST ABOUT TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF IT….IT’S SO DELICIOUS AND IRRESISTABLE LOOKING……….

I’m rubbing my shoes I’m rubbing shoes I’m rubbing my shoes and the next thing I know I’m walking in a dense chilly fog and I guess I’m like on a wharf because I can hear boats.

Out of the fog I see an old lady all dressed in black walking toward me.  She’s the ugliest thing I could imagine.  Her nose has like got a big wart on it.  “Good evening Fifi,” the old hag tells me as she smiles with an evil grin.  “Nice and misty out here tonight isn’t it?”

“How did you know my name and you’re darn tootin right it’s cold?  I wish I could get out of this cold dream and go back to my bed in my nice warm Van Nuys Apartment because all I’m wearing is my pajamas?”

The old hag just keeps on grinning at me real evil like.  “To answer your first question, I know everyone’s name.  Let’s just say I’m like your fairy godmother and I can grant you any wish you want.  As to your second comment you’re not wearing pajamas you’re wearing a nice heavy coat.”

I look down at my body and notice I am wearing a white coat, a mod looking 60s style coat.  Must be one of those ‘retro’ dreams I’m having where I’m actually going back in time.

“All right maybe I’m wearing a coat but I still want to go back to my bed and my apartment.  I mean this is a terrible dream seeing an ugly old hag like you and being in this cold foggy place and all that.”

The old hag laughed with a loud cackle.   “You are so funny Fifi.  By the way my name is Vela.  Would you go to your Van Nuys apartment if I told you could live and look young a very very long time and also have all the money and wealth in the world?  No need to live in a dingy beat up apartment when you can live in the finest largest mansion with the finest furniture filled with the finest gold and silver jewelry.”

I just looked at Vela quietly, arms crossed. “Yeah,” I sneered.  “A place where the finest thieves could hit time after time knowing all that jewelry is sitting over there.  So Vela tell me how would I look young forever and have this ‘Midas Touch’ where everything I touch turns to riches?”

Vela chuckled.  “I used to be a scientist on an alien planet where we studied the mysteries of the ‘human genome.’  That means we know the mysteries of the ‘aging process’ and we have developed medicines and potients that will make you look young virtually forever.  Not only that I can give you also a potient so that you won’t ever get any diseases.  It’s all because I know about the cells in your body and how they react to disease. As for making you rich I have a love of ‘contacts’ on this planet who can make you rich and famous just like that.” She snapped the fingers of her right hand.  “I’ve already done that for a lot of famous movie stars and politicians.  No need to audition for any roles Fifi.  You’ll be a young rich famous movie star almost forever.  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.” 

I smirked.  “You said ‘almost forever and what specifically do I have to do to be granted these nice wishes?”

Vela grinned.  “You are smart girl.  Technically you will live forever.  It’s just like later in your life manymanymanymanymany years from now…..almost forever……… you’ll live with me instead of say a husband your greatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreat…….grandson’s age.  I want to live with you Fifi.  We could have such a great time together and you would also get to ‘ visit’ all the thousands and thousands of other people you’ve known in your life.”

“So again what would I have to do then?”  I questioned Vela.

Vela put her hand in the lower right pocket of her black coat and took out a shiny red apple.  It was like the most beautiful apple I had ever seen.  “Take a bite out of this apple.  Just one bite and I will grant you those three wishes I know you so desire.  Be pretty, young, and rich forever

I took the apple, looked at it for a while…………..for a long while and……….. HURLED IT HAS HARD AS I COULD INTO THE WATER.  “HOPE YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM YOU OLD HAG.  YOU WANT TO TAKE ME TO A PLACE WHERE IT’S NICE AND HOT AFTER I LIVED MY LONG LUXURIOUS LIFE RIGHT HERE ON THIS EARTH.  I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  THE ONLY WARM PLACE I PLAN TO GO IS MY WARM COZY VAN NUYS APARTMENT.”

Vela growled me and shook her fists.  “I’ll get you girl.  I’ll give you a ‘curse’ one of these days.  I’ll still get your immortal soul.  You won’t mock me like that.  You turned down the opportunity of a lifetime.  So struggle and be a starving waitress.  Oh no I meant a starving ‘old looking waitress’ which is what you’ll be in a few years.” Then she just disappeared into a puff of green smoke.

The next thing I know I’m back in my Van Nuys apartment sitting on my bed.  It’s kind of chilly as it’s early early dawn and my throat feels a little sore.  “I’m gonna have to cover myself better with blankets and drink more green tea as I’ll catch a cold.” I mutter to myself.    “Of course Vela could have taken care of that.  I never would have worried about catching a cold if I had eaten that………… apple.” I let out a loud cackle just like Vela does before I go back to sleep. “AHAHAHHAHHAHAHA…….AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA……”