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Yes/No. All/None. Go/Stay.

Tags: vienna

I said to my husband the other day that I don't think of Vienna all that much these days.  We don't have a strict timeline,  I don't have anything hanging over my head that I have to think about/do/accomplish with regard to Vienna, I'm distracted with other things in my life, he's been out of town so we haven't talked much about it.  So *poof*  there it goes.  

He, on the other hand, said he thinks about it all the time.  He's trying to get a business off the ground and our moving to Vienna depends quite a bit on his ability to do so, so he is constantly thinking that he's not working hard enough, fast enough to get us there.

I wanted to tell him, "it's okay, take your time."  I don't feel a sense of urgency at the moment and I don't want him to stress.  But I stopped short of doing so.  I was afraid he'd think that meant I was ambivalent, that I no longer want to go.  And for a moment I start the protest in my head, "No, of course I still want to go.  I'd go tomorrow if we could."  But thou might protest too much.

I do still want to go to Vienna.  I can say that in all honesty.  But sometimes I feel like I want to stay here.  And that is just as honest a statement.

My tendency is toward extremes.  Yes/No. Black/White.  All/None.  I don't do to well with the middle area, the squishy ~ um, maybe, I feel two ways about one thing ~ kind of place.  If I say yes to something, I have to make myself believe that yes is the only answer and I will do all I can to push out any other thoughts.  If I start to have conflicting thoughts, then I assume that I was wrong, that I don't want whatever it is after all and I either have to suck it up and go along with it because I said I would or I have to completely pull the plug.

And that is where I find myself today, caught in the middle, one day wanting to move to Vienna, remembering what it was like to be there and missing it, eager to take on the challenge of an ex-pat life.  Other days, I feel so comfortable in my own space that I want to stay.  And still other days I feel dissatisfied with where I currently am but not wanting to make quite that big of a change.

None of this means that I don't want to move, that we won't move, that the plans will be tossed out the window.  Right?  I'm pretty sure it just means that I'm allowing myself to experience all that goes along with such a decision.  This is huge for me.  And, on top of that, to openly admit to others that maybe I don't have it all together inside.  That's even bigger.



This post first appeared on An American Girl, please read the originial post: here

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