If you’ve ever cringed in a Meeting when your direct report was talking, you know how tough it can be to watch a team member undermine themselves. Maybe the person is interrupting colleagues too often. Or being condescending, or even combative. No matter the specific behavior, your employee is clearly rubbing people the wrong way. As the manager, you know it’s your job to address the issue, but you’re not sure how to start the conversation. What should you say? How do you broach the topic?

What the Experts Say
“It always difficult to give someone serious performance or behavioral feedback in a way that doesn’t put that person on the defensive,” says Caroline Webb, author of How to Have a Good Day and CEO of the coaching firm Sevenshift. And when the feedback is about an employee’s personal style, the task is even harder. Telling employees that they’re alienating colleagues requires “a great deal of delicacy,” she says. But it’s a conversation you need to have. “Letting the behavior go will only lead to bigger problems down the road,” says Amy Jen Su, managing partner of Paravis Partners and coauthor of Own the Room. In most jobs success depends on collaboration, she adds. “Doing your job well is about not just your ability to get your own work done but also your ability to work with others.” If your employees aren’t getting the job done, it’s your responsibility to talk to them about it. Here’s how to handle this difficult conversation.

Prepare what you plan to say…
Before you begin the discussion, you need to think deeply about what you plan to say, Webb says. “This is a conversation that requires a lot of preparation.” She recommends collecting your thoughts by asking yourself what behaviors you personally have observed. Be objective. “Don’t make judgments, don’t generalize, and don’t interpret,” Su says. “You want neutral observations, such as, ‘I observed X in the last meeting, and the impact was Y.” It’s also wise to strategize how your employee might respond to your comments. “This is likely someone with a strong personality, who might push back or challenge the feedback,” she says. “This is someone who might cry, yell, or get defensive.” You need to “be prepared for any reaction.” Whatever you do, “don’t wing it,” she warns.

…And how you plan to say it
When it comes to conversations like these, what you say is nearly as important as how you say it. “You need care and sensitivity,” Webb says. Think about what you want to project. “Emotions are contagious. If you go in full of awkwardness, that will radiate itself. If you go in with a desire to criticize, you are more likely to have a combative conversation.” Think, too, about how you plan to raise the topic with your employee, and consider the physical setting as well. “If you want a more relaxed conversation, you might suggest taking a walk together or having this conversation in a café,” she says.

Focus on growth
Broaching a topic like someone’s interpersonal indelicacies is not easy, so it helps to frame what you’re trying to convey in terms of your “employee’s growth,” Su says. “Don’t mask it as ‘Let’s have a catch-up,’” she adds. “This is a development conversation,” and you ought to be up front about that. “Be transparent about your intention.” Remember, Webb says, your goal as a manager “is to help [your team members] be the best versions of themselves.” To that end, start the conversation by “signaling your good intentions.” Say something like, “I’m always looking for ways to help you develop, and I have some thoughts. When is a good time for you?”

Stick to the facts
Webb suggests “laying out a description of the situation that is inarguable” by stating factual observations. Imagine, for instance, you believe your employee alienates fellow colleagues by constantly interrupting them. In this case, you might say something like, “In the meeting last Tuesday, you spoke over the end of three people’s sentences.” Next, talk about the impact of the employee’s actions and why you think the behavior is problematic. “As a result of you speaking over three people, I couldn’t hear what they were going to say. That matters to me because I’m trying to create an atmosphere of inclusion, where everyone feels heard, because I know that improves the work we do as a team.” Be careful not to insinuate that this is malicious, or even intentional, behavior. Your employee should feel that your intentions are positive.

Ask for input
After you’ve said your piece, Su recommends asking for your employee’s perspective. “Say, How do you think that Tuesday meeting went? What were you trying to achieve in that moment? If you could redo it, what would you do differently?” The goal, she says, is to get your direct report to “think about his style and approach.” The behavior could be “something that the person isn’t aware of.” These questions also “give [your employee] the time and space to think out loud” about his behavior and the root causes of it, Webb says. After all, “there can be all sorts of reasons why a person is acting a certain way,” and you need to “be open-minded and curious about what’s driving the behavior.”

Calmly stand your ground
Your report could react defensively. “It’s human to have that response,” Webb says. That’s why you must not lose sight of the fact that you’re “trying to help this person succeed and thrive professionally.” Stay “calm and centered,” Su advises. “Don’t fight fire with fire. If the other person gets riled up, you’re more likely to get riled up, too.” She recommends acknowledging your employee’s point of view, while also ensuring your message comes across. “Stand your ground, and don’t let your employee reframe your message,” she says. If, for example, your relentless interrupter gets aggressive or recalcitrant, you could say something like, “Make sure your colleagues have had a chance to finish their sentences before you speak next time. We do want to hear from you, but we want to hear from others, too.” This way the feedback is about “approach and delivery.”

Problem solve together
Finally, Su says, you should “offer to be your employee’s sounding board.” You could say, “I’m happy to prepare with you before the next team meeting, or to debrief with you afterward.” It’s smart to get your direct report “involved in how to solve the problem by brainstorming ideas and suggestions together,” Webb adds. After all, “you’re more likely to see a shift in behavior if the other person feels like he’s had an opportunity to come up with a solution.”

Principles to Remember

Do:

• Plan ahead by thinking about what you wish to convey and how you want to convey it.
• State factual observations of your employee’s actions. Then describe the impact of the behavior and why you believe it’s problematic.
• Engage in joint problem solving. You’re more likely to see a shift in behavior if your employee feels as though he’s had an opportunity to help come up with a solution.

Don’t:

• Ignore rude or difficult behavior. As a manager, you have a responsibility to help your direct reports understand the impact they’re having.
• Beat around the bush. It’s important to be direct when talking about your employee’s development and growth.
• Get agitated. Stay calm and centered during the conversation even if your employee gets defensive.

Case Study #1: Plan what you’re going to say, and cite specific observations of your employee’s behavior
Earlier in her career, Alina Basina, Global Head of Talent and Human Resources at Jobbatical, the international job-matching site, once had a direct report who rubbed his colleagues the wrong way. The employee — we’ll call him Peter — would constantly interrupt his colleagues, roll his eyes during meetings, and be much too forward with his often unwarranted feedback.

“I knew that I needed to pull Peter aside for a one-on-one to talk about his behavior. But it certainly wasn’t going to be an easy conversation,” Alina says.

Alina spent some time preparing what she planned to say. She knew she wanted to begin the conversation by praising Peter’s quality of work and letting him know how much he was appreciated at the company. She also planned to tell Peter that because she was invested in both his personal growth and his development at the company, she wanted to help him correct his behavior.

During the conversation itself, she made sure to stick to the facts. “I said, ‘Yesterday during the meeting, I noticed that you had some concerns about our topic of discussion — and I’m sure this wasn’t on purpose, but you interrupted multiple times and rolled your eyes at a colleague’s comment.’”

Alina then told Peter the impact of his behavior and why it was harmful to the team. “I said, ‘Interrupting is disrespectful to your coworkers, and that type of behavior and attitude can be very demoralizing to those around you.’”

She then asked Peter for his perspective. “Interestingly, Peter genuinely had no clue of the impact he had, and didn’t realize he was causing disruptions,” she says.

In the end, Peter was a bit embarrassed, but appreciative that someone had spoken to him. “He just wanted his opinions to be heard and to feel appreciated.”

Case Study #2: Hold your ground so that the message gets through
Several years ago, in a previous job, Suz O’Donnell, executive advisor at Thrivatize, a Chicago-based consulting group, led a client meeting with a junior consultant — we’ll call her Shannon — who was new to the company.

“Shannon was extremely bright, and I wanted her to have firsthand experience of what it was like to meet clients,” Suz recalls. “Boy, did I make a mistake.”

Shannon spent most of the meeting checking her phone. “It never occurred to me that I’d need to tell a colleague that she should not be on her phone during any meeting, let alone one with clients in the room,” Suz says. It was clear that Shannon’s behavior was frustrating their other colleagues in the room as well. Several clients looked at Shannon with disbelief.

Suz was mortified. She spent the meeting trying to figure out how to get Shannon to put her phone down while not drawing more attention to it.

“After the meeting, I did what I would do after any client meeting: spend 30 minutes debriefing with my colleague on what went well and what we could do differently next time. Shannon knew going in that we would have this conversation, so that definitely made it a little easier.”

Suz asked her what went well, and they discussed that. Suz then told Shannon that she should never be on her phone in a meeting. “I explained to her, ‘If you are on your phone, you cannot be fully present to understand what is happening in the room. And while the clients are there to gain insights from the more senior people on our team, every member of our team is a representative of our company, and should demonstrate to clients that they are our top priority.’”

Suz explained that she saw the looks on their clients’ faces, and while she can’t know what they were thinking, she worried that they found it irritating as well.

Shannon wasn’t necessarily defensive, but she wasn’t apologetic either. Suz became frustrated. “It obviously hadn’t sunk in, because Shannon didn’t show any remorse or understanding about why anyone would be looking at her or why she shouldn’t do it.”

Suz held her ground. She realized that she needed to raise the stakes to ensure that the message landed. She took out her phone and demonstrated what Shannon had done in the meeting. “I said, ‘If I started doing this while you were talking to me, would you think I was paying attention to you?’ That was when she realized the gravity of her mistake, and how utterly unprofessional and off-putting it looked to clients,” she says.

It took a while for Suz to trust Shannon again. “I did take her to more meetings, but it was a few months before I put her in front of clients again.”