HE’S GOTTA SPEAK ON IT

Goddamn. Hold my beer for a second, I gotta speak on a few things.

[pulls camp chair out of thin air in parking lot of Stillwater, Oklahoma’s fourth-best gas station]

[cracks beer]

[cracks another beer]

My boy is too good for y’all. HE IS JUST TOO GOOD FOR Y’ALL. He’s giving you emojis when you come for his neck. Know what any other Coach would give you? Two middle fingers and a good view of his ass out the back window of his pickup truck.

Don’t say that’d be hard to do. Cousin of mine got picked up in Tulsa for doing it. He said the hard part was losing the cop afterwards while trying to get his Carhartts up without spilling his drink. WHICH HE DID because he’s Red Dirt Royalty.

Like my boy. Y’all know who you’re talking to? That man has more wins than any other coach in Oklahoma State history. That man’s got the best winning percentage of any coach in history except for someone named “Pappy Waldorf.” Pappy coached during the Great Depression. They passed the ball six times a game back then. Not their fault. Depression really hurt the market on numbers. They’re like Kansas and wins. Six is about as high as they could go.

[tosses two empties into back of passing pickup]

[cracks four more beers]

[stashes one in hair]

[throws another to a passing bird]

[bird, in Bird: hey thanks homie]

Don’t mention it.

Some bullshit about recruiting better. You looked around? Our fair city is not for everyone. It just ain’t, and we gotta be proud of that. It takes a special player to appreciate Eskimo Joe’s and wearing boots in the shower. Not everyone is Gonna enjoy our core curriculum. We learn to frack in the morning and noodle in the afternoon. Stillwater puts the extra in extraction and extracurricular. You’re gonna need extra-type people to get that.

Yon’t find extra-type people anywhere. You gotta hunt for them. That’s fine. Our man can do that.

T-Boone. Thinks he’s special cause he’s got checks. Put his name on the stadium like that’s a thing any other redneck with money can’t do. Been saying for years: We need Garth to write some damn checks, is what we need. You wanna go to Boone Pickens Stadium? Or do you wanna show up to Low Places Stadium at Garth Brooks field? With the Trisha Yearwood Indoor Facility next door?

I know, I know. I’m ahead of you already: The visitors locker room is gonna be named after Chris Gaines.

The T in T- Boone stands for trackpants btw. That’s his given name. Don’t tell me it ain’t, he’s got hundreds of millions of dollars and that’s all he ever wears. If I’m 328 years old and got more money than God you’re damn sure gonna find me in something better than trackpants. Probably waders with no shirt. Don’t laugh till you tried it, those things are just comfy as hell.

[lights a cigarette]

[lights another cigarette]

[throws cigarette to passing dog who catches it in mouth and begins smoking]

[dog, in dog: ‘preciate it hoss]

All good, cuz.

I’m gonna wrap this up. Our man is gonna keep on keepin’ on. Even if our athletic director thinks he can’t recruit. Even if our de facto owner takes breaks from trying to buy all the water under Texas for profit and tweeting sick burns at Drake to complain about being good at football for more than a decade. Even if he has to compete with those cheating hemi-Texans in Norman with half the natural advantages and two geezers with money yelling at him from the peanut gallery. Dudes are birds. They’re gonna chirp.

One more thing.

Paraphrasing here: Are y’all not entertained? Y’all better be entertained.

P.S. Tell OU I watched that Georgia game. Get you a Mike Stoops or a bag of prunes. They’re the same when it comes to stopping the runs.