Do you know the best way to connect with others?

Connect with Others through Empathy

It seems that people have become more and more alienated lately. So, what does it take to Connect with others? Often, our mode of interaction is transactional, as opposed to empathetic.

“Empathetic” and “transactional” are two of the ways that people behave with one another, and they’re quite the opposite. The former is about enjoying and appreciating the other person’s company. The latter is about what we can do for each other.

In the transactional model, I do something for you (for example, be super nice and helpful). This is done with the expectation that you’ll do something for me in return. (For example, give me validation, reassurance, affection).

Unfortunately, this way of dealing with others is dehumanizing. Instead of each person appreciating the other, just for who they are, transactional relationships take advantage of what each person might be bringing to the table.

Relationships Thrive on Empathetic Interaction

The transactional mode of relating turns both parties into objects. Their purpose is to serve one another, rather than people whose goal is to connect. This style of interaction makes it increasingly difficult to form and maintain positive, empathetic relationships.

In my weekly women’s groups, one of the main things I teach the participants is how to “just be” with each other. They learn that analyzing, interpreting, entertaining, cheer-leading, educating, helping or rescuing each other are not the ways to create meaningful connections. The group members learn to simply enjoy spending quality time with each other. Through their sharing, they learn and grow and most importantly, they form deep and meaningful bonds.

The participants practice kindness and build empathy, and the groups quickly become cohesive entities that are greater than the sum of their parts.

More and more, we seem to have the idea that relationships are about “doing” for one-another. We don’t realize that a better model is simply being together and appreciating each-another.

Connect with Others and Build Trust

Fortunately, we’re free to let go of this habit of doing for one another. We can begin to practice just being present. This doesn’t mean that we never do anything for the other person. But, rather, we understand that the main point of our relationships isn’t to be helpful or useful to each other.

When we shift our goal to being present with one another, a lot of wonderful things can happen: closeness grows, trust builds, understanding blossoms, and when a real need arises, it’s naturally responded to.

We won’t be responding to the other person’s need because it’s what we’re “supposed” to do or because we’re giving now to get later. Instead, our response will be based on empathy and a natural outgrowth of the closeness we feel.

It takes an awful lot of energy to constantly do for one another, but it requires very little energy to just be with each other. We can use that extra energy to be more loving, more creative, more productive, and to enjoy our relationships even more.

Seeing as we’re human beings, not human “doings,” I can see no reason why we shouldn’t start practicing this new model of interacting with one-another; connect with others, starting today.

About the Author

Dr. Marcia Sirota is a Toronto-based board certified psychiatrist. She specializes in the treatment of trauma and addiction and is the founder of the Ruthless Compassion Institute. Marcia’s new book, Be Kind, Not Nice: How to Stop People-Pleasing, Build Your Confidence and Discover Your Authentic Self, is now available on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca. Sign up for her free monthly wellness newsletter: http://marciasirotamd.com