I have thought to myself more than a few times that this constant falling in Love may just be me trying to return to the feeling of first love. My high school sweetie, the one I thought was my destiny, and still do sometimes. Is there anything more wonderful and more terrible than falling in love for the first time?

He was perfect. Just as prone to romantic notions as I was, we'd exchange love poems, flowers, dance in the park, and tell eachother how convinced we were that we were eachother's destiny. He had tousled dark brown hair, deep dark eyes, ugly shirts his mother bought him, a beautiful body honed by years of Aikido training, ears that stuck out just enough to tease him about, and a smirk that could make anyone want him.

I can't even talk about the details. I will get to them, I know I need to, just to heal from this once and for all.

Summary...

We loved eachother in a crazy hollywood obsessive way. Life was never better, or more terrifying.

I went to college, and moved. He moved in with his mother to be closer to me, but we were still too far apart to see eachother often.

His mother drove him to the edge of sanity. She was depressed, alcoholic, and abusive. He broke up with me, afraid of exposing me to what he was going through.

I felt so plunged into darkness, I barely survived. I took to cutting myself, hurting myself, was forced to see this horribly new-age-y counselor when I was caught, and eventually packed up my bags, transferred schools to go back to my home town and live with my family. I just couldn't hack it without him.

He came back a year later, begged me to try again, and I just couldn't. I was still hurting every day. I am crying again right now.

He called me again, asked me to reconsider, this a year after Mr. Passion and I were together. I spent an agonizing summer with my diary, trying to work it out.

I don't think I ever have worked it out, in fact. I love them both so much. But I need Mr. Passion in my life to stay sane.

Last I heard from him, he had joined the military, sounds like he is somewhat of a hero... Married another girl in the military, and had just had a baby daughter. So, it would seem that his life has moved on. Though...he did write me. We are two sides of the same coin. I hope I haven't hurt him as much as he hurt me.