So there I was, 1am, so much work to do, a hectic schedule at my business looming every day, and a Movie caught my attention. I was ” A prayer for Bobby” Starring Sigourney Weaver. Now I’m no one to miss one of her performances, and yes , my fav was Ripley in Aliens… One of my all time favorite movies. Much to my surprise, at several of the emotional climaxes in this movie, I found myself seriously sobbing… more than I have cried watching any other movie.

So I thought to myself, are my issues related to self identity much deeper or not as resolved as I had thought. My next move was to research and look up facts about the real story and it’s participants. And then I decided I want to share about my experience, my sexuality, my empowerment and my freedom with others. To give strength, possible guidance and hopefully a bit of solace to those lost or feeling dejected.

Now that the tears are dry ( it was only 1 hour ago that I watched the movie), I feel that I can identify why the emotions welled up so furiously. I suppose I can rememner when I felt like Bobby, when I felt rejected, when I felt “less than” and when I was trapped in isolation as opposed to between worlds, and at times thought about suicide.

One thing that stuck me in my readings of posts and blogs online and about the movie is how many people postulate about the “lack” of choice when it came to their sexuality, and that seems to be the only voice I ever hear. I do accept and understand this emphasis, however, I must say that in MY life, my choice of partner is just that.. a choice. Currently, I am able to choose a woman or a man and I am the proverbial “one in a million 50-50″ bi guy if you talk to those in the gay community. Either sex is acceptable to me presently , however I will admit that my current compass is swinging much more towards the ladies… and I am not sure it will swing back that far… let me explain more…

When it came to sexuality, I was always told..yes sadly told,over and over by my father and others that I was gay. The interesting part is that I was told this from the age of about 8… not quite the ripest age range for sexual interest.

Now as it goes for young adolescents, many may find interest in the same sex at times, it has been proven to be quite a normal art of growing up. Whether the proclivity sticks will determine the sexuality. I did have some passing interest in other boys, and plenty for girls, but I must admit that my father’s words always were at the forefront of my head. I found myself negating my interest in women because I actually thought that I was destined to be gay ( as I was told) since I did have some interest.. at times.

Ah, so now the nay sayers arrive to discredit my experience by saying, ” oh please, that is ridiculous, you are who you are, and you will be with who you are destined to be with!” To that I can only say , you are WRONG. To that I say, “in a storm any port will do.” I also add that human behavior can be adapted to a multitude of situations in which the individual would have never thought they could have participated. I give as an example, European citizens in WWII who carried out horrible atrocities upon other human beings. I am sure they could have never imagined carrying out such horrors just a few years prior. And of course I can assert that same sex relationships happen while humans are incarcerated all the time.

So my story has actually led me from believing that I was a gay man to now moving towards being a straight man. This was not with the help of any religious organizations, as I am not the religious type. It has actually been a natural progression that have made as I have finally gotten to know and accept who I really am.

My journey has taken a lot of courage, and a lot of fighting to get to where I am. I assumed I might have some opposition to my choice, but I never imagined how people could had no accceptance of my journey and choice.

For to profess that one is living his life as a lie and is now coming out as gay is universally accepted as the perdetermined correct paradigm. But if one comes to the conclusion that he has tried same sex relationships and now feels that opposite sex relationships may his path is quite politically incorrect. I found out that it is so incorrect that those around me interjected their values and experiences, and told me that I was confused. Pity seemed to be the predominant emotion. Since “they” had not had that experience, my assertion about mine seemed to be perceived as a falsehood.

So for now I leave myself labeled as bi. I am attractive and virile, but do not currently date much as I tired of the explanations and arguments over mychoice. I found myself needing to disconnect from those who I did know because of their discriminatory ways (yes I did say discrimination). I find my life as a perceived gay man moving into my past now instead of identifying my present life.

What I have found most disturbing is the lack of acceptance of those who have the courage to identify as bisexual. I have also found a complete lack of participation in bi support groups. What I learned is that being bisexual means having gay and straight people scoff at you. The terms ” Fence sitter” and swinger come to mind. Gays hate me because I feel I have choice in my sexuality and they assert there is no choice. And straight in general assume that I’m just too scared to be gay and lack self esteem.

My journey ( remember I said mine..not yours) has taken me from about zero self esteem ( gay tendencies) to my present well adjusted high self esteem ( hetero tendencies). This was a natural progressions and I just went where my true feelings led me without any preconceived hopes or aspirations. I needed to be fearless, and I needed to find myself to know who I wanted to be and who I wanted to be with ( in social as well as intimate settings because many base social strata upon sexuality)

Do I find men attractive? well I suppose in certain ways they are … 10 years of sex with men is bound to have an effect on how I see things. DoI find women attractive, yes, and more than men in a more sexualized way.

So I say to all those other bi or gay to str8 people just coming out..be fearless. I say to you that you need to know that your current sexual compass may not be” your destiny.” My advice is to know yourself , and above all, else listen to YOU, not others… because when it comes right down to it, they have nothing to do with your choices. If they give you a lot of crap, remember that that they are speaking using THEIR filter of the world. Whatever they experienced is not your journey and it is for them to work out their prejudices… you can only point out their proclivity to jump to prejudgement.

Until later..

BeStrong