Relationship with my parents grew worse day by day. School skipping and me failing in almost every subject came an issue and the Headmaster called my Mother frequently. Fights and arguments at home got so bad that it affects me today as well and this post here hits me hard and makes me cry. But I promised, to be honest.

The situation had gotten so bad that I was even afraid to go home. Dad gave me silent treatment all the time and Mom - well, she was different. Sometimes she pretended that everything is okay, but most of the times it was devastating. It has effects to this present day.

She would ask me a question but all of my answers were irrelevant, false or nonsense. Even if I gave her answers like: "Everyone else has a boyfriend.", "I need friends too.", "I'm not 11 anymore.", "I feel like a prisoner," etc. Thinking back, these answers were correct - they reflected teenagers normal development and the need of socializing with others than my parents. I refused on answering after some time as I was not given any opportunity to speak anyway. The next phase was making me feel guilty "Your dad's health is bad because of you! Oh bring me a pill, my heart is out of control, it is because of you! Do you want your father to die? Why are you doing this to us, can't you see it is hurting us.?" It felt like an attack so mostly I tried to get away. Run up to my room mostly, but she followed with the quilt talk and questioning. At times it got so worse that I used to run to a random room, random corner and just sit and pendulate myself trying to comfort myself like a baby. I often lost the ability to breathe normally. Even then she did not give me any space. Eventually I started to attack her, just like an animal who is wounded and cornered. She often attacked me back. It was more like a bitch slapping. Sometimes it scared her and I had my chance to leave my room or somewhere else. I never actually left the house. In a way, it was still my safe-haven. Later on, she would rush in and check my stuff and closet - if it was messy, she would pull every last thing out and leave me to clean. Maybe she wanted to show that she still has the power. Not me.

My mom even took me to see a psychologist, but it was a one-time visit only. The doctor wanted to see my mother as well. She never went.

To the present day, these fights have an effect on me. It is really hard to stand up for myself when in conflict - I would rather sit and be quiet or leave the room crying. I know myself and I know that in a helpless situation I attack. I spoke to my therapist about it and she told me: "Imagine your co-worker here and what would you say to her if you had to step up." I started to cry and I couldn't. I couldn't face an imaginary person and protect myself. The doctor said that the damage is severe, we found the root of it, but ran out of time for treatment. Maybe if I knowingly think that the person in any conflict is not my mother - I can handle it. But so far - I'm too weak and paralyzed by fear. 

I haven't lived with my parents for almost ten years now but I visit them often. Sometimes mom and dad gets into an argument and dad sais something quick and harshly and leaves the room. I understand him well. My mom gets insulted and she cries. I understand her too. But the way my dad does - is the safest. I think he learned from watching me and mom fight.