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Yes, Virginia, There Are ACOAs

Dear Addie:

I am in my late 40s and jobless. I am about to take a job as a nanny to help someone get her house in order as she has some problems and can not seem to keep her house up and manage her children. By the way I met her on the internet and we have met and visited eachothers homes and i am a very compassionate person, and feel I can help her with her children and also her house work as I keep a very immaculate home.

Do you beleive in BAD LUCK CURSES etc? Well this is my life story I am in my late 40s, divorced and living ALONE I have just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a younger man who is an alcoholic. Alcoholism runs in my family, it is a wonder I am not one.

Anyway please dont tell me to seek therapy as I am not working and running out of money, and do not have Ins. This guy told me he didnt want to see me anymore after I had just lost a job, heartless I guess... saying he met someone else. I wonder all the time if this relationship will go any where and find myself thinking of him all the time. I havent heard from him but have called him twice within the last month and even though I try not to I admit to it, and kick myself afterwards.

I hope to STOP soon. I know he isnt good for me but I guess it is the co-dependency in me? anyways, I have very little self-esteem and when I was able to afford my anti depressant Effexor i seemed to do much better, now that I am off of it I find my self going in circles constantly.

I have no sense of direction, dont know if I am washing or hanging out to speak and am a loner, hermit and live a very lonely life. I dont feel even on medication that I fit in anywhere. I have a few weeks of unemployment and when I have applied for jobs have no luck getting an interview and then when I do, I don't get the JOB. I have education and a long work history until a short while ago. . I have since had about 5 jobs and left switching around to find one to meet the salary I needed in order to survive. I also might need to file for bankruptcy. I honestly feel that I have a curse on me Bad luck seems to follow me where ever I go and I have no Idea what to do.

I am desperate for your advice and from what I have read about you I feel confident that you can lead me in the right direction. -Cursed

Dear Cursed:

I think that the curse you are talking about is alcoholism. You seem to have very typical patterns of an adult child of Alcoholics. Even if your parents were not alcoholics, a family that operates under the influence is a dysfunctional family indeed! I know there has been a bit (more than a bit) of backlash against the "D" word (dysfunctional) and Adult Children of alcoholics (ACOAs) have been labeled as a bunch of blaming whiners, but that is the unfortunate result of too many people, not sincere in their recovery, seeking refuge from responsibility and using 12 step program tools as weapons. This explosion of ACOA/codependent phenomena in the 1980s and 1990s drew a lot of people to the programs who had no intention of ever doing the work that is involved to recover from these issues.

As a result, the word "dysfunctional" became the target of jokes and ridicule as did the words "codependency" and "adult Children of alcoholics." However, those that were intent on recovering and wanted to do the work involved, stayed the course and GOT BETTER. They understood that it was NOT about blaming, it was about TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONESELF DESPITE THE PAST. They knew it was about looking at the past, feeling angry, hurt, upset, and ultimately letting it go to learn new coping mechanisms which includes TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF. You cannot recover from the legacy of alcoholism, whether you are the alcoholic or a family member, unless you do that.

So, this is what you must do. Take responsibility for yourself. Adult children of alcoholics either overfunction or underfunction. Their lives are full of extreme behavior because they don't know where the middle is, they don't know where healthy and normal is. They don't know what NORMAL looks like.

Apparently you did a good job with your daughter and have had some success in your life. My instinct is that you were OVER functioning and being OVER responsible. Then you went the other way. That is fairly typical ACOA behavior.

You were attracted to this man who left you when you lost your job. Yeah, that sounds like an active alcoholic. He is no good for you. The relationship is dead. Bury it. Don't call him again. You're better than that.

You feel you don't fit anywhere. This is also typical of ACOAs. You need to find others like yourself.

You are moving in with the woman with the chaotic life so you can bring order to her chaos. This will make you feel as if you have power and control over SOMETHING even if it's not your own life. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with getting a job that benefits you and someone else, but you are not being as "compassionate" as you say you are. You are being codependent. Yes, there's the "C" word, another word that took a beating in the past 10 years because it was overused by the wrong people for too long. Again, it was a responsibility-shirking war cry of people who were looking to hide instead of people who were looking to get better. A whole generation of codependents who were working hard at not being codependent were wrongly labeled and made fun of in the media. Yes, that's what codependents need! WRONG.

Just because the word has been vanquished from the national vocabulary does NOT mean there is no such thing. A codependent is what Al-Anon has called, for years, a co-alcoholic. Someone whose coping mechanisms are unhealthy because they were developed in the Dysfunctional Alcoholic family. (yes, I said the "D" word because it's APPROPRIATE).

So the job as a nanny might help you to feel in control, to bring order to external chaos to quell the internal chaos. I am not saying not to take this job. I am saying think about your reasons why and what's in it for you. Examine your motives. Why do you feel the need to do this? If it doesn't work, can you leave? Make sure you can.

If you can't afford therapy (and even if you can), I suggest you find a local Al-Anon meeting, or ACOA or Codependents Anonymous. You will hear your story over and over again in those halls. You will know it is NOT a curse or a run of bad luck. It is called the legacy of living with alcoholism and alcoholics.

Once you get in the program, you will meet others like yourself. If you do the work and WORK THE PROGRAM, you will find the pieces falling in place to build a new, happy and healthy life. You can talk to them about anything, jobs, money, relationship, feelings, medication whatever. Seek it out and it will benefit you greatly.

It's not about luck or about curses, it's about taking responsibility for yourself and doing what you need to do. You need to recover from the legacy of alcoholism...now go to it.

Addie



This post first appeared on Dear Addie, please read the originial post: here

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Yes, Virginia, There Are ACOAs

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