Oh and he moved to California last Friday. Sooooo there goes THAT.

So anyway, back to my crazy life.

I've been a member of Match.com since the "incident" with my ex-husband. I thought it might be a good idea to date as many guys as possible and this seemed like the best way to make it happen. And honestly are all those couples on the commercials not the happiest people you have ever seen? What they don't tell you is that the REAL people on Match are high school dropouts and aren't nearly as attractive as the people on the commercials. Oh, and some of them tell you about their pet rats in the second email.

Day 1 of joining Match: I receive about 1000 emails. I get completely freaked out and cancel my account immediately.

Day 2: Reactivate my account.

Day 3: Receive "winks" (the internet equivalent of buying someone a drink) from 48 year old divorcee's with children and male pattern baldness.

Day 4: Cancel my account.

Day 5-90: Reactivate my account. Casually talk to a bunch of guys. Write a few emails back and forth and then ignore them. Even set up dates with a few, which I then cancel 5 hours before the date is about to go down.

So, finally I get a "wink" from DTM...which is his Match.com screen name. He emails me and sounds super awesome and normal. According to his pictures he is actually kind of hot AND is getting his Ph.D in Pharmacology at UConn (Range Rover and Prada here I come!). So we "BBM" back and fourth about a million times before our first date.

Now for those of you who don't know about BBM let me fill you in. It's like text messaging but it's unique to Black Berry users. It is the perfect tool for a stalker such as myself. It not only sends the text but it also allows you to see when the person has read the text AND when the person is replying. So here I am (already a little psycho) analyzing how long it takes him once he has read my text to respond. At this point I'm planning our wedding (I'm thinking black tie, vineyard in September) prior to actually meeting him.

So he tells me he wants to take me to Play Pool for our first date. I am immediately horrified. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR? You can't really wear a dress to play pool. So I go with jeans and a cute top and heels.

I arrive at our date and he is actually super cute in person. The date goes well and we end up spending 6 hours together and take turns buying rounds of drinks (not my preference, but I will let it go this time). So we finally leave and I get a BBM telling me he had a great time and to let him know when I get home.

Um. HE LOVES ME.

So the next night we are both doing nothing separately and decide to get together. He comes over to my apartment and we conclude that we should grab something to eat. I give him a choice of all the restaurants in the area and he chooses Chili's. Mm. Wrong answer...but okay, after all he is a grad student.

We go to Chili's. The check comes and just to be nice and prove that I am not high maintenance I offer to split it with him. Now OBVIOUSLY I didn't really want to split it. He should have said "No, of course not, I've got this."

What he actually said was "Okay."

I think my jaw visibly dropped to the floor. Not cool. Yet somehow this doesn't cause me to throw my drink on him and march out of the restaurant. So he comes back to my place and yada yada yada, I've just managed to reinforce this behavior of not paying as acceptable.

The problem is I kind of like him/the attention (I haven't figured out which one at this point) and the prospect of being a rich, stay at home mom running (and when I say running I mean driving my Range Rover) around in Lily Pulitzer dresses that match my daughters.

So we hang out the following Friday. He asks me if I want to see Eddie Money at the casino with him. I agree, because really, does it get any better than "Take Me Home Tonight"? I ask how much tickets are and he tells me it's a free concert. I feel a stab of sorrow for Eddie Money as I lament on the fact that has been downgraded to free concerts at the casino.

Due to timing issues we decide to meet at the casino. I'm already a little grumpy that he isn't picking me up. But whatever. I get there and I valet my car (2005 Scion xA) because honestly, who doesn't valet at the casino?

So I give the valet guy a $5 tip and he goes "Thanks miss, I'll keep it in VIP." I literally almost laugh in his face. Like, seriously? I'm reflecting on this situation as I see my Scion being parked next to a Bentley and a Mercedes.

Whatever. I rush into the casino to meet my future husband and find him lurking near a bar next to the concert arena. It is clear that there are no seats at this bar, which is prime real estate for the Eddie Money concert. I announce this to DTM and he proceeds to tell me if we wait for a seat at this bar (which has video poker) we can get free drinks.

Okay. For real?? I'm not kidding he makes me stand there in heels and a dress for 15 minutes waiting for a seat and in the meantime doesn't offer to buy me a drink. Finally I let out a big sigh. "Are you getting antsy", he asks me. What I want to say is, "Is that a real question?? Of course I'm f'ing antsy. I've been standing here trying to make awkward conversation with you and I don't even have any alcohol!". But I say "Oh well, a little, haha."

He proceeds to make me walk around the casino and find ANOTHER free bar where we can drink. We finally find one and at this point I'm ready to inject vodka right into my veins. We sit down and he starts playing poker. Whatever. I do the same. I loose my money in 30 seconds and he keeps going FOREVER.

So at the end of the night he goes to cash in his 10 dollar winnings and I congratulate him. His response?

"Oh thanks, buuuut I had to pay for our tips, gas money to get here and I also stopped at McDonald's on the way here...sooooo I'm actually down about 2 dollars."

FML.