Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of my wedding day. I had a notebook where I would write down all the details. In this notebook I included such details as listed below:
Location: Inn on Lake: Canandaigua NY
Color Scheme: Pink and Purple
Number of Guests: 60
Maid of Honor: My little sister (6 years younger)
Bridesmaids: Frequently changing but usually consisted of some combination of whichever girls in my group of friends I wasn't in a fight with.
Honeymoon: Florida
Music: I Can't Dance and Butterfly Kisses
Husband: Christian Slater
I imagined that this marriage would last forever and that we would have 2 kids and a big house in the suburbs.
It's funny how life works out. The wedding went more like this:
Location: Esperanza Mansion, Penn Yan, NY
Color Scheme: Apple and Champagne (gross)
Number of Guests: 150
Maid of Honor: My little sister.
Bridesmaids: Two college friends, a high school friend and fiance's sister.
Honeymoon: Florence
Music: Such Great Heights- The Postal Service Don't Stop Believing- Journey
Husband: Andy (aka "DB")
Instead of a house in the suburbs it was more like an apartment in Groton, Connecticut.
Oh, and we got divorced...11 months later
....So here is where I leave off. Single (8 months post breakup), living in Middletown, CT and working for Social Security Disability (what?!). Still trying to figure out how this happened. But for now let me introduce the main characters in my life (names have been changed to protect me when this turns into a multimillion dollar book deal)...
Me (Amanda): Single, 27 year old, female, boy crazy, shopaholic. 5'1" and 1/2 (I recently was told by the doctor that I wasn't 5'2" like I had previously thought. Dark brown hair (although this may or may not change), blue eyes, size 12 (ugh!). Somewhat spoiled as a child, as par for course when your parents are divorced. Obtained my first full time job at the age of 26. Dreams of being celebrity event planner/Broadway star. College graduate (Master's degree in Counseling...mostly useless). Live in nice 1 bedroom apartment that I can't afford. Writing this on a MacBook...that I also probably couldn't afford at the time...good thing my mom bought it for me.
Family...(not unlike the "Bluth" family)
Mother, "Lindsay": On marriage number 4. Currently (and when I say currently I mean for the last 10 years) has not worked. Stays at home and takes care of "Mr. Darcy" (his real name) her Pembroke Welsh Corgi and makes frequent trips to Ireland and Malawi. Calls me everyday, multiple times a day....oh I call her too though.
Step-father, "Richard": Lindsay's 4th husband. Child Psychiatrist, ex Peace Corp volunteer, also frequents Malawi and Ireland..you get the idea.
Father, "John": Currently on marriage number 3. Father. Retired for most of my life. Lives in Upstate NY. Also stays home and cares for recently adopted dog "Rocky". Does a lot of home improvement projects.
Step-mother, "Linda". Married to John. Recently made a career change and is now a Minister in Upstate NY. Also cares for Rocky (which is very draining).
Sister, "Danielle": (Susan's daughter with her 3rd husband). 21 years old, ex-wino, lives with her boyfriend Jesse in Upstate NY. I'm not sure how they afford to live since I'm pretty sure they are both unemployed.
Friends...
Kelly: Bride to be! I am the MOH (bride speak for maid of honor) at her wedding. She is getting married next May to Bruce (he is a legit lumbar jack). She is the kind of friend you can tell anything to (and not be embarrassed) because you know she has similar problems. She is also one of the funnier people I know, and crazy like me.
Brenda: Longest friend (14 years). Most frugal person I know, loves to steal money from me. I was in her wedding last year. She is married to Dan (school teacher). I can call her a million times a day and she won't hate me. Not that into fashion. In fact, I am only friend's with her because in middle school I had a crush on her boyfriend and tried to steal him. On our first sleep over I kept her up all night and made her read fashion magazines. Used to watch Jenny Jones and eat Lunchables before tennis practice in high school.
Alex (best friend from college): Likes Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber ("the voice of our generation") and Polo Club in Hartford. Shops at JCrew and has been my best friend for 9 years. Only falling out was when he refused to talk to me after I started dating my now ex-husband.
Mark: Alex's fiancee. Recent pharmacist graduate, work at the VA. From what I can tell doesn't really have time for Alex. Mark is brutally honest, but I can tell he still loves me.
Erica: Fellow singleton, fashionista. Enables me to spend all my money shopping and drinking. Also brutally honest.
Other...
Grace: Therapist. I see her for weekly sessions so I can talk about ME! It's awesome.
Daisy (her real name): My insanely anxious dog. Pembroke Welsh Corgi. Age 4. Agility Champion (well...almost)
So now for the men (currently) in my life....
"DB": Ex-husband. We were together for 5 and 1/2 years. Did some really DB (douchebag) things and now we aren't married anymore.
Colin: First hookup after DB. We talk every day and he is funny and really likes me. Just two problems, he lives in Ireland and has a girlfriend.
"DTM": Most recent boy toy. Met on Match.com. Come to find out...he was really cheap and yada yada yada I ended it. OH and he call me high maintenance. Seriously!?!
Cowboy: Upstairs neighbor. Works second shift so I don't get to see him a lot. We go to the same gym, and I am working on a plan to seduce him as we speak (it may or may not involved "accidentally" backing into his car while wearing a sexy dress so I can give him my phone number).
So anyway. Those are the main characters. I am thinking about doing this Bridget Jones Diary style. So...
June 3, 2010
Units of alochol: 2 Skinny Girl Margs
Cigaretts: 0 (non-smoker)
Calories: Mmmm...can't be good...I know there was definitely ice cream and starbucks involved.
Weight: HA. Nice try.
Food consumed today: Grande Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte Reduced fat cinnamon coffee cake 2 bananas
a cupcake (opps)
6 inch turkey sub
baked lays
a fun size butter finger
a veggie egg roll
sesame chicken
2 SGMS (skinny girl margarita's)
edy's ice cream
Mmmm...apparently when I cry I eat way more than a fry...fuck.
To be continued...
