Identify and Heal
If you were walking through the park, and you saw a woman having her bag snatched, and being pushed to the ground by a thug – human nature would dictate that you go to the woman to help and provide her with support. Hopefully, the woman will then seek counsel and solace from her loved ones in the aftermath of her ordeal. Noone would ever think to blame the woman for the attack.
Why is it then, that when Adult Daughters of a Narcissist Mother, after suffering years of abuse, make the decision to go No Contact with their abuser, and are then met with such disdain from family members and friends alike within her circle.
Culturally we are sympathetic when a Mother cuts her adult daughter from her life, because this is usually met with the assumption that the mother must have done everything in her power to connect with and build a relationship with her daughter. Most people will conclude that it’s a shame, however the daughter must be a ‘bad egg’ that noone can do anything with.
No such understanding, empathy or leeway is ever directed towards the daughter, because at peoples core – they believe that a mothers love is unconditional. Sadly for DONM’S (daughters of narcissistic mothers) this is certainly not the case, and that belief resides alongside fluffy Unicorns, and Magic Dragons, in the Land of Make Believe.
No contact is not a vengeful act, nor is it done from a place of spite, or even aggression or malice. It is in fact the opposite – and is indeed an acknowledgment on the daughters part that she has accepted the reality of her abusive relationship, and understands that for her own survival, she must prevent further damage to herself by ending the relationship, and accepts that it is not within her capability to fix it, for she has tried her entire life, to no avail. Why is it the view of the adult daughters circle, that she must feel obligated to continue with the abusive relationship regardless of the root cause of the abuse.
The fact is, there is never justification for abuse, and especially when the mother is responsible for the behaviour, and is always in fact in control of the abuse, however refuses to take ownership or responsibility for her own behaviour – thus instead blaming the daughter. When the daughter stands up and refuses to be blamed, the realisation occurs for the narcissistic mother that she has lost control of her daughter. If she cannot control the daughter, she will then ensure she is able to control what others think of her daughter. This is when the smear campaign (which has been running in the background the daughters entire life) begins. I will speak extensively regarding the smear campaign in future blogs.
When No Contact occurs, some people will go as far as to accuse the daughter of playing the victim card. This is indeed ‘broken thinking’ on their part, and it usually is being directed at the daughter via a sibling. This broken Thinking transpires for a multitude of reasons, that lie so deeply rooted within the family Dysfunction and dynamic, from being raised by a mother who has NPD. Also, within the family dynamic, each sibling is assigned a role by the narcissistic mother. This happens from a very early age, and these roles include the Scapegoat Child, the Forgotten Child, and the Golden Child. These roles within the dynamic, are not set in stone when assigned to each child, and sometimes the mother switches roles to add further confusion and pain for her children. I will discuss this further in future blogs too.
Stockholm Syndrome, or more commonly referred to as ‘Trauma Bonding’ within DONM circles – and is a Psychological disorder which can develop in children who have a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Mother. When the child perceives there to be a threat to herself and that there is no way for her to escape from her abuser – the child goes into a state of Cognitive Dissonance. In simple terms, this is a type of survival mode which enables the child to decrease their anxiety levels, while in this state of perceived threat. This can be a threat to the child’s environment, or physical, mental, emotional and spiritual being. There is then a window of opportunity which allows for bonding with the Narcissistic Mother. The Cognitive Dissonance then occurs while the child is trying to hold two completely conflicting thoughts on her mind (Stockholm Syndrome). It is precisely when this occurs, that a child will switch and begin to defend the mother. To add insult to injury, the child can even begin to empathise with her abuser, and this is a cycle that can span out into adulthood, which allows the mother to systematically abuse her daughter, which is precisely her intention. Stockholm Syndrome is also relevant and one of the reasons why siblings defend the narcissistic parent when the adult daughter goes No Contact, however this is only one part of it. The Narcissistic Dysfunction which evolves in the family dynamic, is indeed very complex.
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