Identify and Heal
A Narcissistic Mother has many tools inside her Toolbox. All of them are used by the mother to create carnage, drama, pain and destruction.
The one I’d like to highlight today is called Triangulation – also referred to as ‘splitting’. The reality is in fact a big game of Divide and Conquer, and the only person who conquers is the Narcissistic mother, and it is a complete game of power.
Triangulation can take different forms within the narcissistic dysfunctional family dynamic. The form that I will focus on today is the triangulation which occurs within the sibling relationship.
The thing you must remember and hold in the forefront of your mind, when dealing with a narcissistic mother is, they are toxic master manipulators. They have no identity or sense of self, and are driven by fear and insecurity. There can only be one certainty that derives from triangulation – and that is Loss – because someone is always left out.
Due to the Narcissistic mother having no identity, she needs a constant flow of attention. This constant attention is referred to as ‘narcissistic supply’ and it is an absolute requirement for her survival. What better way to achieve this than to pit her children up against each other, and make them fight for her attention, so that she is able to remain in complete control, and gain more supply.
The children of a narcissistic mother learn from an early age that their mothers love is not unconditional, and this is demonstrated in so many different ways. In order to survive in this toxic harsh dynamic, you therefore have to fight for her attention. A narcissistic mother does not want to give away any of herself freely to her children, so it does indeed turn into a fight between the siblings. The saddest part of this crazy making, is that the siblings sacrifice each other, for something that does not exist; i.e. the mothers love.
Triangulation is a gradual process that takes place over time. Some examples of methods used by the mother are when the children are pitted against each other. They are made to compete, and measured up against each other. They will be compared to each other in terms of grades at school. Who is most popular amongst their peer group. Who has the most friends. Who is the best looking, and so on..the list is endless. The mother will also gossip and lie to the siblings about each other and plant many seeds of doubt in her young and impressionable childrens minds, to cause distrust of each other. It is this distrust that will one day, serve the narcissistic mother best if challenged by any of her adult children who dare to go No Contact, thus leaving the family fold, and her control.
Triangulation in the end, always works best to vilify if it is carried out as part of a team. In the case whereby an adult DONM has went No Contact, the ultimate goal of the narcissistic mother is for the Daughter to be left in isolation, and completely alienated from her siblings with no support. This keeps the narcissistic mother safe, because there is no possibility of the adult daughter being able to speak her truth and present real facts/evidence to her siblings. This unhealthy toxic rivalry becomes so normal and so engrained within the sibling dynamic, that the habit, patterns and effects continue into adulthood and are sometimes never broken. The sibling relationships are indeed the casualties of a narcissistic mother.
For functioning families, sibling rivalry is normal and healthy, and with mindful and adequate parenting ability, the rivalry turns into a mutual respect for each other between the siblings as they approach their teen years and adulthood. For children of narcissistic mothers, it is painful to watch our friends who have supportive relationships with their siblings and who can enjoy each others company with no sense of rivalry or distrust. This is a sadness that I myself continue to carry, alongside the hope that perhaps one day things will improve.
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