So... Toilet training has been happening here at the Barbarian household. WildGirl is 6 years old and has Autism. We have been attempting to toilet train her for 4 solid years, and this summer we were finally mostly successful! Woohoo! Unfortunately, there are some really nasty side effects of trying to potty train a child, and when you throw Autism into the mix, things can get even weirder and more gross.

(Don't worry- her absolute adorableness makes up for any icky messes she might make.)

1. Poop smearing

This is, unfortunately, a common behavior for autistic children. When WildGirl was in diapers, we would try to find pants that she couldn't easily take off because she would play in the messes she made and I would have to clean it all up. It was not a fun time. Now that she's older, she doesn't play in her mess so much as simply use whatever is nearby as toilet paper.


It's totally logical, right? If she happens to have poo on her hands or her bottom, the logical thing is to wipe it off. And the most immediate solution is to use whatever happens to be nearby (towels, sheets, laundry, etc...). To her, I'm sure it makes perfect sense.

(To the rest of us, however... ewwwwww!)

2. Clogging the toilet

My inspiration for writing this post this morning came from the dirty job I had to do this morning- namely, taking apart the toilet looking for the 100th thing WildGirl tried to flush down there. One of the symptoms of Autism is becoming obsessed with certain interests or activities. Since she got so much positive reinforcement for flushing her waste down the toilet, flushing things down the toilet has become her new obsession (or in the Autism vocabulary, "special interest").


It used to be VikingDad's job to take apart the toilet, because he actually knows how the damn thing works. However, he decided that, after taking it apart for the 5th or 6th time, it was about time to start taking turns. So he taught me how to take it apart and theoretically how to unclog it. I say theoretically because I've now done it twice, and I have yet to be successful in actually unclogging it.

At this point, I should mention that VikingDad's idea of "teaching" is to give me all relevant information at once (at top speed) and then leave me alone. Because once I have all the information I should be able to figure it out on my own right?

(Me, after listening to VikingDad explain stuff.)

VikingDad also has high functioning Autism and an IQ of about 140, so, for him, this method actually works. Learning is simple in his world: 1. Gather information, and 2. Apply the information. Simple, right??? Well, for me, not really. I have ADHD, so the amount of theoretical information I can retain at once is limited. I'm kind of a "learning by doing" person, and, no matter how interesting I find a topic, I still end up zoning out in the middle of long explanations. (And how toilets work is not one of my life passions.) So I did my best to follow his instructions, and actually ended up doing things (mostly) right for a change. Yay! Maybe I would have some actual real world skills by the time this is done. Maybe.

The one major problem I had was unexpected. I had to carry the toilet from its spot to the tub, and, in order to do that, I had to lift it straight up. I'm a barbarian- lifting things is one of my many talents. But I could not for the life of me lift this toilet straight up. I could lift one side and then the other, but doing that would damage the wax seal on the bottom. So, to my shame, I had to ask VikingDad for help lifting the toilet. Of course, he gave me a hard time about needing his help... until after the whole project was done, when I was curious and google'd how much the average toilet actually weighs. Apparently, our toilet model could weigh between 100-120lbs.


So, in other words, I outweigh our toilet by 10-30 lbs. Well, I guess I need to practice my deadlift!

After getting the toilet into the tub, it was time for the gross and frustrating part, and I'll spare you the details. Let's just say sometimes it's easier to break apart the fucking toilet with your bare hands than find the stupid clog. One time it was a lotion bottle. Another time it was a toy. Another time it was a whole roll of toilet paper. This morning it was a small remote control. And that is only the short list, my friends. The. Short. List. This child has made it her hobby to stuff whatever random object she can find into the toilet.

But, with the help of VikingDad and lots of effort on my part, the toilet is now working. We don't even tighten the screws down all the way anymore, so often do we take our toilet apart. I'm sure next week we will have to do the same dirty job.

(Waaaaaaahhhhhh!)

And, after all the hard work is done, it's time to take a long, long, thorough shower.

(Sometimes with bleach. Sometimes I need to spend the next week in the shower. Sometimes I sound like Lady Macbeth.)

3. Mooning the class

Since WildGirl is in easy-to-manage pants now, she has fully taken advantage of this fact by pulling her pants down at any opportunity. This is the third school day in a row I've gotten a call from her elementary school principal saying that my daughter has, once again, mooned the class.

She thinks it's hilarious.

It may very well be hilarious.

But, I'm annoyed that I'm getting a call from the school every day. It just sends a certain kind of message.


So, I may need to buy a bunch of tiny overalls to prevent this sort of thing from happening.


You're so right, The Dude Meme. You're. So. Right.