I came across a post on Sunday which resonated deeply within me.

A post that could’ve been written more or less by myself. So much so that my original post (which I’d deleted)  has now been re-written with a dedication to Aleena from Mummy Mama Mum for encouraging me to publish this. Thank you! 

For me, if it’s not admitting it then it’s accepting it that’s the problem…
Telling myself that sometimes I’m not OK is a struggle. Like a never-ending battle.

If you haven’t read her post yet…  I’m Not OK by Mummy Mama Mum

“I need a f***ing break. I know that I need a break when I am displaying none of the qualities desirable in a half-decent parent.”

– Mummy Mama Mum

This is literally how I feel right about now. Pretty dark stuff.
It’s NOT who I want to be but it is who I am.

Admitting and accepting that I’m not OK is hard. So. Flipping. Hard. Maybe it’s because I see it as defeat. Maybe it’s me being too scared to admit that I might actually have a problem. Or perhaps it’s because so many of my friends look up to me as a ‘mum-spo’ type of figure so I feel this kind of ‘pressure’ to uphold a certain image or ideal of being able to cope with anything.

The reality is I just have extremely good hiding mechanisms. I had quite a laid-back attitude to parenting which served me well until now. Now that I have a threenager and a needy 9-month old baby on my hands, it’s gone all tits up. Bedtime routines have gone out the window. I’m stressing over the littlest things. I’m sounding more and more like a broken record. My level of patience is at to zero. I’ve threatened to and even smacked LO when he’s pushed me to my limits.

After that comes the crazy thoughts…

Running away.
Giving the kids away.
Suicide.

Sometimes even darker thoughts but I’m too afraid to write them down.

I hate feeling like this. It’s the monster-of-a-mother inside me surfacing but I am getting better at managing it by slowly accepting that it’s okay to not be OK.

I’ve spoken to Daddy P about it and he seems to think it’s a phase but I know that he can see it gets to me. I just need a little rest from the kids. I’m not talking just a physical rest but a mental and emotional one. I need to recharge my batteries. I have a 1hr morning break from the kids to go gym or fitness class and I love it but I throw a massive bitch fit when I have to miss it. I’m trying learning to identify my anger triggers to cool down before I open my mouth and start shouting. I’ve even been planning to book a solo holiday this summer just to give myself a needed break.

I do really try to be a good mum for my bubbas but sometimes it all gets too much for me then sh*t hits the fan. LO was not really a needy baby so I never had problems with him until now that he’s hit his threenager years. Baby Girl on the other hand, is the total opposite. Needy from the start and so damn demanding that I just can’t deal. I’ve always been quite independent so to have someone so clingy depending on me (who I can’t run away from) makes me feel like a cornered prey. That sounds really selfish but I can’t help it. and after reading Aleena’s post, I am glad there’s others out there who can also relate.

I can’t begin to tell you how much of a relief it is to finally be able to speak out about this and I’m hoping that my post and Aleena’s will encourage other parents out there to speak about their story because I think it’s one of those taboo topics that we need to normalise.

As parents, we are always being looked up to by someone so we’ve become very good at concealing things that makes us vulnerable. But sometimes it’s good to let that side out to help ourselves and maybe even help others.

“In the beginning, people think vulnerability will make you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you’re strong enough to care.”
– Victoria Pratt

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/vulnerability_3.html